Just Another Manic Blip

I take a prescribed Ritalin to prepare myself to study, to give me the energy to get through the remainder of the day. This last night before the final is the most important. I’ve had a whole quarter off, a whole 10 weeks plus winter break, because of my manic episode. It has given me time to finish a class that I took an incomplete in because I broke my wrist (but, in reality, it wasn’t so much the broken wrist, as much as it was my cracking mind that forced me to take the incomplete).

My dad comes home with food and the coffee I asked him to buy me. I start sipping at it and realize what’s happening. The ritalin is kicking in, the coffee is too. I’ve got too much energy racing through me. My thoughts are going off left and right like a firework finale. I’m agitated. I’m texting long rants to at least 4 people, I’m writing blog posts. I feel amped up, wired.

Sometimes these little mini-episodes happen to me. I think the Ritalin and coffee set me off. My therapist says that, since I’m so young, I may sometimes have episodes more like a child’s- rapid and short. And I do have these, quite often. I’ve also been told that these may happen when you’re stabilizing on medication. All I know is that they’ve always happened to me.

My day has been long. I had to wake up, go to psychotherapy, then immediately go to physical therapy, then immediately take my cat to the vet and then immediately start studying. But plans never go accordingly. I managed all the doctor’s visits fine, but it was the studying that threw me off. I tell myself I can relax a few minutes, but here I am- 5 hours later, and I haven’t studied. What went wrong?

Well, after the Ritalin and coffee kick-started me, I felt I had to run an errand. You see, I had an infection recently (of a nature I won’t describe) and I’m afraid it has come back. I already called the doctor to make an appointment, but I am impatient to know. I get the idea that maybe the drug store sells tests for them. I text my boyfriend, who manages a drug store, and he says they do sell those.

I figure maybe getting out of the house, getting the test, that’ll ease my mind. So I go, and I walk around the store, buzzing with energy. I look everywhere, my mind racing so fast it is hard to focus on the words on the labels. I feel lost but determined to find them on my own- which I do.

I get home and I read the directions, my eyes are glazing over as I read it. The words aren’t processing. I try to slow down. It takes a while, but I think I get how to do it. Which is ridiculous, I realize, because I used to conduct these same tests at my old job.

I come out positive, figures.

That’s over. But I’m still alive with energy. I realize it’s been long enough, the Ritalin has peaked in my system and I should be settling down, the coffee can’t possibly be keeping me this abuzz. It dawns on me that it’s the stress. The fact that I am unprepared for a test I had ample time to study for. I should ace this test (given all the time I had), but I know that I’ll barely pass it, if that. I was too manic over my break to study. I was barely able to do what I did. And now it is my last day- and I am so panicky that it set my brain off. The stress caused me to crack, to have a mini-episode.

I know I need to shower, that should calm me, right? Don’t they always say showers will calm your nerves? I hop in and the water pours over me. I put my hands to my face and run them back over my hair. It’s always this way when I’m manic- it feels like I’ve never showered before, the water is foreign. It is so bizarre. At first, it’s overwhelming, overstimulating. But then I get lost in my thoughts, consumed by obsessive thinking.

A thought pops out at me like a big red stop sign that’s been unusually placed in the middle of the road. I realize I am self-narrating. It’s a phenomenon I’ve never heard anyone else have or even describe, but I’ve never bothered to look it up to see.

Self-narrating is as follows: My thoughts have made a transition in their style. Instead of just thinking, I am writing a first-person story in my head. I am tracing my every movement, my every thought, as if I am writing it in a book. To put it simply, what you are reading right now is exactly what my thoughts are like.

It took me years to realize this is something I only do when I am very sick. I did it all throughout high school and never thought much of it, but I was also in an incredibly deep depressive episode. It wasn’t until my last manic episode, when I started self-narrating again, that I realized I had stopped for a while. It is now something I use to judge how sick I am. If I self-narrate, I am very sick or stressed out (although the two seem to go hand in hand).

I continue my shower, all while being obnoxiously conscious of my self-narrating. I wish I could write out what my self-narrating sounds like, but I can’t. It is literally what you are reading right now.

I may be a writer, but sometimes it is not by choice.

I step out of the shower and snag my towel. I put it to my face as usual, but I hold it there for a minute and let my tears soak into it. The moment passes and I continue on. I feel strangely calmer. Maybe it was the shower but I figure it was probably the Ativan I took before.

I’m annoyed with myself, I realize I am going to have to write this out before I can start on my studying. Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so built up that there is a pressure, an ache to get it on paper. It is not a want, it is a need. This is also something that only happens when I am very sick. In high school, during my depression, I would write obsessively. I was un-medicated then and if you ever look back at my writing, it is painfully obvious that I was a very sick teenager. After I was medicated, the writing stopped becoming a need, and soon faded into a past habit.

But I was inspired to start a blog and ever since then the need to write has engulfed me. When I had my manic episode, I not only wrote many long blog posts, but I also started writing a “book.” By the end of my episode I had over 60 pages of a single-spaced word document written. I believe that translates into easily over 100 pages of a standard size book? I’m not too sure though.

I am still not completely stable after that episode. I get these little spurts of mania, other times I get depressive lows. They happen almost every day, I am always a little up or a little down. But today I had an especially strong high.

And it is only now that I have written this out that I feel calmer. There is still an agitation residing in my heart. If I didn’t have to study I would be out, shopping or maybe hanging out with a friend. Just doing something.

Sometimes mania is described as feeling extra happy. But unless I am euphoric (which is brief but welcome), I am never happy during mania. Instead, I am incredibly agitated. It is not fun, it is frightening. I want it to stop, but at the same time I never want it to end- and I have no idea why. But that word- happiness- it does not define my mania. It does not belong in its definition. Euphoria may, but happiness does not.

Mania is incredibly uncomfortable.

But now… now that the thoughts are on paper, I can rest a little easier. I can study, I hope. All that remains is proof-reading this, closing the laptop, and sitting down with paper, pen, and notes.

I can do this. I can do this. I can pass this class. I won’t let my bipolar stop me. I will not fail, I won’t risk my dreams of becoming either a psychiatrist or psychologist be stopped by the fact that I had a manic blip in my day.

I can’t fail.

And it is that fact- I can’t fail- that drives me to feel such madness.

-Quinn

The Dangers of Online Mental Health Quizzes

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Alright so this is a big topic for me. A fellow author posted a link to a ridiculous quiz on Facebook that I feel the need to (and was asked to) write about.

I am going to take this quiz, step by step, and report exactly what I think about it. And after I will tell you why these quizzes aren’t just silly or stupid, but dangerous (with my anecdote evidence- reliable I know).

Alright, so when you click on the quiz, it starts off by saying, “Are you prone to dramatic and unpredictable mood-swings? What about anxiety and frustration? What’s your level of uniqueness? Find that all out right here.” Right off the bat I am annoyed. This perpetuates the stereotype that bipolar is sudden changes in mood. Going from happy to sad and back in a second. Unless you have extremely rapid-cycling bipolar, this is very unlikely. Bipolar is experienced in episodes. Generally meaning they have to last at least a few days. Although I do have little spikes of bipolar feelings, they aren’t full episodes and are mostly just annoying.

And for anxiety and frustration, yeah those can happen. I have anxiety that is sometimes correlated with my bipolar. But bipolar itself doesn’t specify that you need to have anxiety. Additionally, “frustration?” Really? Who doesn’t experience that? And lastly- “What’s your level of uniqueness?” That makes me want to hit my face on my keyboard. Being bipolar is unique in a sense, because a small amount of the population experiences it. But in this context it is taken in a positive way. In the United States we have a culture where individualism and self-expression is very important. If you’re unique, then it’s usually considered a good thing. But as far as I’m concerned, bipolar is not a good thing.

And then, of course, it adds that this should be used as a diagnostic test. And I’ll explain later why that really doesn’t matter.
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Unhealthy Study Habits

One time my therapist asked me one of the most personally significant questions I’ve ever heard.

She said, “What is more important to you? Cutting yourself in order to ace the test… or putting your health first and failing the test?”

(Just to explain, I used to cut myself before studying because it helped soothe me and allowed me to focus. I got all the pent up anxiety out that way so I could “ace the test.”)

And it was so embarrassing to tell her the truth. The truth I’d lived numerous times over and over. The truth that got me through so much of college.

I told her, “I’d rather cut and ace the test.”

Because it is true. To me, my academics and my future career are so much more important than my health is.

And I know that’s messed up.

But we are so hardwired to believe that success is more important than anything. That being a hard worker is so desirable.

That we ignore the damage it can have on us.

The worst part is, if you asked me that same question over again today- I’d still have the same answer.

-Quinn

Something I wrote when I got out of the hospital

I was angry that I had been hospitalized. I didn’t understand why they thought taking me away from my family was a good idea and why they couldn’t have called someone when they couldn’t handle me.

My family of origin thought that the time I spent on the computer contributed to my illness and didn’t want me to go on. I typed up this outline of how I would like them to treat me, but they dismissed it and were just upset I had been on the computer.

I am not sure if this has anything worthwhile. It was right after I was diagnosed and I was still very ill. I made some sweeping generalizations and I don’t think people need a manual to talk to someone with a diagnosis,

my first first thought was to edit, but I decided to leave it as is. If this bothers anyone I can edit or remove it. Mainly I am just surprised I was well enough to write. I was pretty symptomatic.

 

HOW I WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED
Introduction:
I. I can control my behavior with the guidance of professionals
A. You can not cause reactions I have, like the paranoia that led to my hospitalization, but if we had asked for guidance from a professional he would have told us that relocating someone in that condition often leads to paranoia.
B. Trying to modify my behavior without asking for my input makes me feel paranoid that I am being controlled. I am willing to discuss an issue that troubles you with my psychiatrist, therapist or support group.
C. All I expect from my family is to listen and be understanding. I appreciate how helpful everyone has been.

II. I have an illness
A. I know under other circumstances it would be wonderful that I am spending more time on myself, but pointing that out while ignoring that the underlying reason is because I am unable to do many things because of my illness, is hurtful to me.
B. I can not just cheer up or snap out of it. I can take my medications and follow my Dr’s orders.
C. Once my illness is under control, it may be helpful to remind me if I seem a little more irritable or anxious, but right now that is expected with a mood disorder while they try to find the right medications and they take effect.

III. Realistic Expectations
A. I don’t know what are realistic expectations for me yet. My Drs seem to feel I will be able to return to working, driving and taking care of my daughter and son.
B. Please don’t compare me to others. There are some things that are too stressful for me.
C. I have high standards for myself, and I like my life the way it is, when Ii’m healthy

IV. The psychotic episode was a traumatic experience for me
A. I don’t want to discuss the thoughts, because I am afraid it may trigger another episode
B. That was the scariest experience i’ve ever had
C. I will work through the anxiety and paranoia with my therapist, but I do still have to recover from being psychotic and hospitalized.

V. I hope we can all learn something from this experience
A. I think there is a less traumatic way to get help. Many people wouldn’t willingly go to a locked psychiatric facility, but they would go to the Behavioral Health Unit of a hospital
B. I do worry about our family members on SSRI drugs without mood stabilizers, zoloft triggered mania in me.
C. The difference between an obsession and a passion is if it is interfering with the rest of your life. I am trying to use this time to remember what is really important.

Conclusion:
I will treat everyone as respectfully as my illness will allow, and I expect to be treated with respect in return. I understand that you may be afraid, I am too, but my therapist thinks there is a good chance  never have another psychotic episode.

HOW I WOULD COMMUNICATE WITH A PSYCHOTIC/ PARANOID PERSON
Introduction:
I. When I was in this state I regressed to a child-like state
A. Explain any changes clearly and in advance
B. Emphasize any key words and make sure the person is listening
C. If you think they are hearing voices, written communication is probably better than verbal. I tune-out some things but I pay attention if key words are emphasized either by talking louder or writing and circling key words
.
II. Include the person in any plans
A. People with schizoaffective disorder are resistant to change
B. Plans made without their input may increase paranoia
C. Offer to go to psychiatrist appointment with them, if they seem to tune out sometimes, and discuss having them sign release of medical information.

IDENTITY VS ILLNESS

Introduction: It can be difficult to distinguish between the individual’s true identity and those behaviors that are due to the illness

I. I have some traits that I consider part of my identity that are not highly valued in our society. I want to treat my illness but not give up who I am. Some of these traits for me are:
A. passive
B. stronger written than verbal communication skills
C. sensitive

II. There are traits of the illness that seriously impair my life and I need medication, coping skills, and support to deal with these. Some of these are:
A. Paranoia/Anxiety
B. Impulsiveness
C. Irrational Thinking
D. Isolating

III. There are some things I may enjoy that others may not understand, but it IS normal behavior
A. long baths
B. Solitary walks
C. Reading
D. Computer Interaction

Some things I wouldn’t want to hear
A.i want the old you back. I am still here, hiding behind this illness
B. You need to do this I don’t take orders and I prefer to take advice from professionals (others may vary on who they trust)
C. You are being too emotional. i do understand the sentiment, but I can’tc ontrol how I feel

A Fragile Mind

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I want to take Xanax the way I used to. The irresponsible and reckless way. The dangerous way. The way I don’t advise anyone to ever take it.

I want to drown out how awful I feel. I may have taken a quarter off, not to heal my broken wrist but to mend my manic mind, but I am still fragile.

I took an incomplete in a class, but I have to finish it sometime. And that deadline is right around the corner. I am not prepared and I do not have the strength to care.

Part of me is giving up, ready to fail a college course for the first time. Ready to ruin my future as a psychiatrist or psychologist. But part of me is still squirming to hold onto my dreams, to finish this class, to stay in the game.

Just listen to the online lectures, take notes, and memorize everything. Yet I can’t even tell you the names of the diseases I’ve learned, let alone their symptoms or treatments.

This should be an easy class, even an enjoyable one, but some professors know how to make even the most interesting of subjects into a nightmare.

Maybe the mania is gone, a vague memory where I was someone possessed by the need to vandalize, pop pills, and stare at Christmas lights. But I’m not stable. I’m always a little up or a little down.

I don’t think it is possible for me to be perfectly stable. It’d be like trying to balance a coin on its thin side in a windstorm.

My bipolar is and never will be the productive type. Some people go manic, and get everything done. Me? I destroy everything I can, myself included, and I want the world to see that. And the depression? It just doesn’t care enough.

I go to two types of therapy right now. One for my wrist and one for my mind. It has taken months to repair my wrist, but the evidence is visible, I’m always going forward, I’m always improving.

But the mind isn’t like a broken wrist. I’ve been going to therapy for years and yet I can go backwards. Some days I even fall and break all over again, as if I never healed to begin with.

When I was hospitalized at 19, another bipolar patient took me by the shoulders, looked at me very carefully and warned me- “You’re already so young to be in here. It’s only going to get worse. Be careful.”

And maybe you’d think he is wrong for saying it’ll only get worse. But he wasn’t. It has gotten worse, just in a different way. Yes, my youth is an advantage. Getting help early on may have saved my life more times than I know. But he was right- It’s gotten worse and I do need to be careful.

But what is being careful when it comes to your mind?

-Quinn

If it feels good, don’t always do it

This is one that took me a looooong time to learn.  When I am symptomatic my biggest issue is usually psychosis, and sometimes it feels good.

People are following and filming me because I am special. I have secret skills. People communicate to me through code because it would be dangerous in person. Sometimes I think people are angry at me, but other times i think they like me.

For awhile after I was stable I would miss the “good” times when it felt good and I felt special. I feel like I didn’t hurt anyone but myself.

One day I absent-mindedly asked my husband what was the hardest part of our marriage. I thought he would say when the children were infants. I don’t even know where the question came from. His answer was 2003. That was the year I had my first psychotic episode.  It hadn’t really hit me until then how my being ill effects other people.

I have been good about taking my medication, but it was always for myself. I don’t want to get stuck in a bad state of mind. Now, I do my best to keep healthy for my whole family.