If it feels good, don’t always do it

This is one that took me a looooong time to learn.  When I am symptomatic my biggest issue is usually psychosis, and sometimes it feels good.

People are following and filming me because I am special. I have secret skills. People communicate to me through code because it would be dangerous in person. Sometimes I think people are angry at me, but other times i think they like me.

For awhile after I was stable I would miss the “good” times when it felt good and I felt special. I feel like I didn’t hurt anyone but myself.

One day I absent-mindedly asked my husband what was the hardest part of our marriage. I thought he would say when the children were infants. I don’t even know where the question came from. His answer was 2003. That was the year I had my first psychotic episode.  It hadn’t really hit me until then how my being ill effects other people.

I have been good about taking my medication, but it was always for myself. I don’t want to get stuck in a bad state of mind. Now, I do my best to keep healthy for my whole family.


My name is Lori. I am a wife and mother. My children are teenagers. I work as a peer mentor and volunteer for NAMI. I have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type