When I am manic, I get things done. That is as long as I am not running to the top of the inside stairs and down again seeking something that I cannot remember. Then it is The Great Eater of Time. My depression helps me to see what projects I have taken up that are pointless wastes like the schemes of making a million quickly by stuffing envelopes at home. I can detect what is rigged: I will not spend hours trying to win games that cannot be won or spend money on hobbies that I will never get around to finishing. I have ships in a bottle that I have not pulled the rigging up. I bought these in hypomania.
Depression has a wisdom about it, bitter at times, with a predictive power and insight into the motives of some men and women. I do not trust certain people when I am in depression: This often proves a smart thing.
Then there is the stillness that comes, a beautiful blue film that falls gently over my consciousness calling for silence and appreciation of the moment. If I shut down the voices that hector me for a moment, I find the peace that the racing thoughts of mania do not permit. I may feel fatigued, but I am not agitated as I am in a mixed state. Depression is a better place in the mind than mania or the vicious mixed state.
Not sure what triggers so proceed with caution
I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. I used to have 4 brothers. Pat passed away over 30 years ago. For a long time I didn’t speak about him. Everything upset me too much. I speak some now. But, it is I sad story and I don’t want to discourage people. Different times, different people.
Pat had a breakdown at 20 when he was at college. He came home a different person, first he would just stare. Then he was obviously mentally ill. He claimed he had been brainwashed by a cult,.he was also the soccer player Pele’ and other people. He was unpredictable and scared me. He would try to act ” normal” mimicking others, which was even worse. My father felt Pat could just stop it if he wanted and would yell and even hit him.
my father didn’t believe in mental health treatment and the only help my brother got was when he was picked up on 72 hour holds. They would give him typical antipsychotics, this was the late 70s, and send him home. He would be psychotic and sedated which just made his differences more apparent.
then, in 1985 he was picked up in a different county. They tried a different medication. lithium. Everyone told me he was back like his old self again. It was as close to a miracle as I could imagine. But, when I went to visit he wasn’t well. He was looking at me suspiciously. He was talking about the bible excessively and was hard to understand. My mother said they were having trouble finding the right dosage.of medication.
he took off that night. I never saw him again. He went to Yosemite. He fell at a large waterfall and died. Suicide or risky behavior? I am not sure.
I have all kinds of mixed up feelings. Mainly guilt. That I didn’t try to understand more and be closer and not so afraid, that I didn’t do more to get him some kind of help, that I am fine and he wasn’t.
and just sad that he was fine for a little while and then started to go back into the psychosis he had been trapped in for years.
(About how the title: my children were talking about ” Flowers for Algernon”. I know the story is about intellectual disability, but the idea of improving and then going back to the old state hit me as similar and sparked the memories)
You moved in when I was very young, shoved me into your corner, made me cry and when I cried you caused the kids to laugh at me, taunt me saying “Don’t cry Joel.” Sister Annette told me to buck up, to learn to be a man and hold the tears back. Damn you and damn her. I couldn’t say it at the time. Two years of living under the threat of her ruler, but the taunts were worse, hurt worse. The more they called me names, you and my parents reasoned, the stronger I would become but this practice was flawed. I played alone or with other losers. My mother criticized my choice of friends, calling them slow, hinting that they were retarded. Even among them I lived in a shell and the kids continued to wear at my head, trying to produce the streams of salt water they loved so much to see. I don’t know what brought you to make a home in my head. I don’t know why you made me sensitive to the twist in their voices. Was it the arrival of my two cousins who stayed for a year? If it was, you stayed beyond a year, brought me suffering. I looked at Jesus and wondered what was worse: crucifixion or this hell I was going through? If I was on the cross with Him, it was an absurdity.