I want to say something good, even thought provoking.
The truth is that for a couple months I felt pretty good. A functioning college student. Focused, determined, ready to take on the world. My only issue was how I was rather plagued with anxiety and took benzos nearly daily (well, I still take klonopin daily, it really helps).
And then it started happening. At night time I’d slowly descend into feeling depressed. But it didn’t last long because I’d go to sleep. Well it is happening earlier and earlier.
Today I flat out woke up depressed. I don’t have any inspirational thing to say. I feel more like I’m reporting in.
I guess this is where therapy skills come into handy. I found the most useful way to handle most things- depression, wanting to self harm, etc.- is by distracting yourself. Keeping your mind occupied doesn’t give time to focus on the depression. So I’m going to go play some video games.
I will admit, that maybe I am depressed partially for a real reason. I disappointed myself this summer. I was going to volunteer, and immediately went to the meeting and received the paperwork and turned in my references. But then I lagged, I didn’t finish the paperwork and call in for my training. I didn’t do anything, I finally got my TB test (required) done so that’s a bonus. I just got distracted for a month, by someone who was unhealthy for me and took up so much of my time. I regret not getting the hours in but also because it was going to be a wonderful way to spend my time, actually helping people. The best part was that there was no minimum hours, no set hours, nothing. You come and go when you please. It is the best volunteer option you can have as a college student. And I haven’t even started. Why? Why??? You know, after I finish this, I am going to finish that paperwork. And I will call that phone number even if its not business hours maybe she will still pick up. I am going to do this.
But the other reason, a lesser one, is that I didn’t start exercising. I told myself I would, but getting sick at the very beginning of summer (excuses) didn’t help. I kept pushing it off, “well I’m still recovering from my sinus infection!” Well that ended over a month ago, what’s stopping me now? Nothing.
I’ve also been trying to gain weight. I never got it back from my manic episode over winter. I finally gained 3 pounds (which is a lot for me). But now I am worried because I just bought a swimsuit that is rather attractive but won’t fit if I gain weight. So now if I gain weight, which I need to do, I just lost money.
Ah, anyway, I am going to grab that volunteer paperwork, RIGHT NOW, and go fill it out.
I know that making progress towards volunteering will cheer me up. Even if I regret immensely not starting this sooner. At least my fall quarter has two online classes, so I have ample time to spend volunteering.
Also, note to self: Stop drinking alcohol. It doesn’t make the depression better, at all.