The illness and me

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I try not to over-identify with my mental illness. It is part of me, but not all of me. I have heard people suggest it is something separate. What is the illness vs what is me? I understand that. There are symptoms, behaviors that aren’t typical for me.

For me, I am a person with a mental illness, like I am a person with green eyes.. I don’t know how to tease the two apart.

There was a point, after diagnosis, when I would interpret any change in mood as a symptom. I would micro-manage my illness. I spent a lot of time reading and trying to make sense of it all.

To me, part of my healing, was to learn to trust that a good day could be a good day and a bad mood could be normal. That I could relax and not worry so much.

I still spend a lot of time on mental illness websites, volunteering for mental health organizations, going to support groups but at least sometimes I feel like I can share and educate and give back.

Getting ahead of myself

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I haven’t been able to work for over 10 years. Mostly because stress makes my symptoms worse. I have been thinking of attempting to work. I have sent out some resume’s and gone on interviews.

Those didn’t go so well, but I am still looking. I found an agency that places people with disabilities in jobs. The employer gets a tax break. I haven’t been very impressed with the company so far, but I haven’t seen any of the job leads.

But, I have been rolling the idea around in my head. Who will pick up the kids and do the things I do when I am around? Am I making a mistake? What if I can’t handle it? What can/can’t I do?
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Tiered healthcare system U.S.

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You get what you (can) pay for

I don’t know enough about the intricacies of our healthcare system to give a explanation on how they different insurances work and why some people fall between the cracks.  I just have been in or visited facilities that didn’t require private insurance and they are night and day from ones that my employer provided insurance covers.

My first hospital stay was after I had refused to get back in the car during a road trip. I ran to a mini-mart and asked the clerk to keep my parents from me. He let me stay there and called the police. I thought they would call my husband or sister to come get me. I guess it would take too long. The officer handled it well. He kept my parents seperate from me and listened to both of us. They he had me go into an ambulance to got to a hospital.

The hospital they took me to was a County hospital. I wouldn’t recommend it. I was confused. I wouldn’t speak and then blurt things out. They pushed a cart in the room with juices and yogurt. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I soon learned to take what I needed. There was a room full of cots. I would go and lay down on a cot. At night one of the other patients helped me find the linens and make a bed. I had been lying in the cold.
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Reality Testing in Virtual Reality

Social media has become a large part of my daily activities. My friends live in my computer. I am married and have a family and do interact in the real world, too.

One thing about the Internet is things go so fast. And then you can’t take back that email or tweet. I can go off on tangents in 140 characters or less.

It is easy to feel like you are being cyberstalked. People do hack computers or follow people ‘s online activity, but paranoia can make you feel like it is happening, also.

Stress exacerbates my symptoms so it really is not a good idea for me to stay up getting tense in debates. I like to discuss ideas and facts just not argue.

I used to get messages through media. They would be hidden in written words, spoken, sometimes visual. They stopped years ago. But, I would search for clues. Everyone thought the computer was making me crazy, but the messages were everywhere.

My delusions are a lot like the Truman Show where I think everyone else is acting, filming, with product placement even. That I just can’t break through that 4th wall. Delusions are different depending on culture. I have heard voices. They weren’t mean. They would guide me and humor me. I actually missed them, I felt lost when they stopped.

Learned Helplessness

I have read articles on learned helplessness or co-dependency in relationship to mental illness. They read like pep talks or “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” to me.

I actually could use a little of that, gentle prodding, to take baby steps to do a little bit more and more. I do have certain limitations. I don’t have the physical energy to keep up with my family, but I can take showers. And, when you are capable of taking care of yourself it will only help you feel, cope better if you do.

But, there are other people who have more limitations than I do. I have in the past. Things that seem simple are difficult for them. I have seen people feel pressured to do too much, and relapsing, because others wouldn’t accept their limitations.

It really is a delicate balance that moves at what I am capable of at any given time.

Book Review:

Stop Pretending, what happened when my big sister went crazy by Sonya Sones  ★★★★★★

 

This is a great book for siblings, who sometimes get lost in the shuffle. I know when my brother was very symptomatic all the attention was on him and I felt neglected.

This is a book of free verse. If you don’t like poetry, give it a chance. It is a quick read. The writing draws you in and you want to follow the story.

Outside Perspective

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Sometimes I don’t notice changes in myself. They come on gradually. I don’t think of them until someone mentions it.

People have been telling me for awhile that I seem less anxious. I have been able to give presentations, start conversations, some things that might not seem like much but have been hard for me in the past. I even took part in a podcast once.

I was telling my therapist that I have had trouble with some physical things like fingerprinting (for work) or mammograms where they have to position you. I get tense and the more I am told to relax the worse it gets. Today. I had a mammogram. i warned the woman that I have had trouble in the past, but 1, 2 3 she was able to easily take the pictures.

I also told my therapist I have these brief periods when I feel at peace, happy out of the blue. She thinks I am finally starting to come out of a depression. That my meds are working on anxiety and depression. I really hope so.

Bits and Pieces

Lately I have been having short periods of time where I feel happy, not blah and fatigued. I can joke and laugh. I guess other people feel that a lot.

I wish I knew what brings it on but it seems to be sporadic.

Holidays

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We are celebrating Passover and Easter at my in-laws today. Holidays are hard for me. I feel self-conscious. Simple questions, what have you been doing?, trip me up. Being around people, putting on the game face, wears me out. I so want to stay home and hide under the covers.

At the Seder, we go around the table reading. I hate this. I feel like people are watching me when it is my turn. My husband likes it. He leads the reading and there is a great meal after.

For Easter we do an egg hunt. That part isn’t so bad because it is all focused on the kids.

Mentally, I think I am doing pretty well, just some anticipatory anxiety.

Today

I don’t know if reading through my posts I sound like I have a lot of present mood disorder issues. I wish I didn’t have it or have to deal with it, but I am much, much, much better than when I was first diagnosed.

At that time, I was psychotic, but even before then, I had times when I would cry for no reason or not leave the house. I haven’t been hospitalized since 2005 or had psychotic symptoms since 2006. I have coping skills. I don’t micro-manage symptoms. If i have a good day I enjoy and take advantage without worrying if it is going to turn into mania.

My biggest issue now is anxiety and even that is better. It is hard for me to notice, but people around me tell me I seem more at ease. I do presentations for NAMI which is hard for me to believe with my social anxiety. I am not a great speaker, but they go over well.

I am married. I was diagnosed after 7 years of marriage, so my husband didn’t sign up to marry someone with a mental illness but he has been supportive. I have 2 teenagers, who are doing well, for teenagers. I do some volunteer work, I would say an issue i have now is time management.

lorib