Cards

I was going through some things, and I found a card from a friend. It was a nice home made card. I don’t remember when she gave it to me.

It got me thinking of my most memorable card. I can’t find it. Probably threw it out. I wanted to forget that time.

When I had babies people were able to visit at pretty reasonable hours. They brought balloons, cards, flowers.

When I was in the psychiatric ward, it was totally different. Restricted visiting hours and limited visitors. No flowers or cards.

They did have different groups and activities where I stayed. I was in an art class and they had us make cards. I made a get well card for myself.

Lori,

I hope you feel better soon

From,

Me

With a design on front

Diagnosis changes

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My first diagnosis was social anxiety. That still fits, but when I started having more severe thought and mood symptoms it was obvious there was more going on.

Originally that was diagnosed as bipolar I. That never seemed to fit well. I would read the textbooks and they didn’t describe me well. I would go on-line or to in person support groups and I would feel like I didn’t quite fit in.

After a long period of psychosis where I had been in different mood states (including neutral) my diagnosis changed to schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type (as opposed to depressive type).

In a way this was a relief. My symptoms fit more neatly. It just made more sense. My psychiatrist told me he had always held that diagnosis as a rule-out, it just took him a long time to decide. Every doc since then has agreed. I was told the prognosis is the same.

It can be scary to have any mental illness diagnosis, but I think anything that starts with schiz can be particularly so. I just want to say that nothing changes with a label. You are still who you were and you can get more focused treatment.

When I was first reading up on mood disorders I came across a set of articles on schizoaffective disorder by Michael D. Crawford. I wanted to scream. this is me. No one cared, because it was a different label than bipolar. But, I went back to it when my diagnosis changed. It had moved to Psych central. I could still relate to it.

That was in 2006. I am sure there are other articles and blogs and some will speak to others differently. I do have a goal to make a webpage like that. Something that might help someone else who is floundering through.

Dealing with anxiety over the holidays

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I wrote another article for “The Mighty” that I wanted to share

http://themighty.com/2015/12/7-tips-for-surviving-the-holidays-when-you-live-with-anxiety/

At my house, we celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. The kids love it; twice the parties, more gifts and more fun. But for me, this means twice the stress and more anxiety. And while most of the severe symptoms of my mental illness are under control, it can be harder to manage my anxiety as the holidays approach.

But I’ve learned little adjustments can make a huge difference. Here are some things that help reduce my anxiety over the holidays:

1. Take two cars to a holiday party.

It’s easier to relax when I know I have an exit plan. If my husband and I take separate cars to an event, I know I can leave at any time.

2. Find a “safe space.”

When we’re at a holiday party or family gathering, I make sure I find a quieter room or place outside to get away from all the noise. Or I spend time with the animals if there are any pets. It just needs to be a space where I can recharge.

3. Give yourself permission to walk away from upsetting conversations.

There’s always that one person who wants to argue about politics or compare achievements. I used to dread holidays mainly because of these uncomfortable interactions. Now, I know I don’t have to listen. I can walk away or not participate.

4. Keep it low-key.

In my house, we don’t feel pressure to entertain guests or worry about buying the “perfect gift.” There’s so much going on already, we don’t want to add to the stress by holding unrealistic expectations. We try to keep it low-pressure and enjoy what we have.

5. Know it’s OK to say, “No.”

Around the holidays there are lots of opportunities to help others, but if making that batch of cookies or running that errand is going to cause me too much stress, I have started saying no. The holidays are a time to give, but it’s important to know your limits.

6. Accept help.

On the other hand, if people do offer me help, I’ve learned it’s OK to accept it. I try to remind myself they wouldn’t ask if they weren’t willing.

7. Remember to actually enjoy yourself.

As much as there are parts about holiday gatherings I don’t enjoy, there are things I like. Certain foods, smells, people and seeing the children’s excitement. I try to enjoy those special moments — it keeps the holidays in perspective.

Working

Sorry, I haven’t written for awhile. I got a job and it has thrown me off my regular routine.

I almost can’t believe I am working. It is part-time, as a peer mentor. They know of my diagnosis and will understand if I have symptoms.

I have only been there for a month. I was excited to get a paycheck. I took my mother-in-law out to dinner. It was nice being able to treat her.

It is really slow right now. We are just getting ready to open. I know it will change. I have a great schedule, but I don’t know how I will adapt to getting going in the morning.

If you have a serious mental illness and have been disabled for many years, there is hope that you can achieve your goals.

I have no idea what the future holds but I really wanted to at least attempt to work again.

What could go wrong?

FDA asked to consider adherence sensor on Abilify

http://www.modernhealthcare.com/article/20150910/NEWS/150919997

http://www.proteus.com/press-releases/u-s-fda-accepts-first-digital-medicine-new-drug-application-for-otsuka-and-proteus-digital-health/

Proteus Health, located in Redwood City CA, along with Tokyo based Otsuka Pharmaceutical Co. have a new drug application that is ready for review by regulators determined by the FDA.

The new drug is embedded with an ingestible sensor. When the medication, and sensor, reach the stomach, it sends a signal to a patch the patient wears externally. The information can be sent to physicians or caregivers with consent.

The sensor has previously been approved in a placebo taken along with a medication.

The goal is to help with medication compliance. All well and good up to this point. But, what is the first drug they choose? Abilify, an atypical anti-psychotic. It isn’t always taken for psychosis. It can be used as an add-on for depression and other ways. But, it is also used to treat psychosis.

Some, not uncommon, delusions are that:

you have sensors embedded, that your medicine has been poisoned or tampered with or that people are tracking you. This is to be taken by consent, but personally, I think they chose a bad medication.

I don’t know what is wrong with injectable abilify? That would be my choice.

 

Breathe Everyday

I volunteered at a National Alliance for Mental Illness state conference this morning. I greeted people and directed them towards registration until it slowed down. Then I listened to the keynote speaker. He wrote the course I took on disclosing mental illness. I would have liked to have talked to him but I didn’t get a chance.

They had a quiet room with coloring, painting, chairs, information. I went there and hung out. I answered some questions but mostly relaxed. Lunch was okay.

In the afternoon I went to a laughter yoga meeting, but I had to pee and I didn’t want to laugh with a full bladder, so I left. I should have gone back, though. Everyone came out saying it was fun.

Then I went to a schizophrenia Q&A. I asked the dr if it was for everyone. I didn’t want to be in a caregiver meeting. It was for anyone. He started talking a little about schizophrenia before opening up for questions. He said we could write them down.

I turned one in but he never got to it. I had asked that since I have only had rare psychotic symptoms since 2006, when can I breathe and not worry about relapsing. I went up to him afterwards and he said he read it. He said that there is no answer. To enjoy today. “Breathe everyday”

Where have I been, what have I seen?

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I realized I haven’t blogged in about a month. Where have I been?

I discovered an app called periscope. It lets you live stream and talk and others can type and chat. The few people who have came to my “scopes” are pretty shy, so I feel like I am talking to myself, but it is fun.

In the news:

There was a recent study on marijuana use and health

http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/adb-adb0000103.pdf

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/08/150804093718.htm

Teen marijuana use not linked to later depression, lung cancer, other health problems, study finds

Study contradicts some prior marijuana research

“Chronic marijuana use by teenage boys does not appear to be linked to later physical or mental health issues such as depression, psychotic symptoms or asthma, according to a new study.”

One of the researchers stated:

“We wanted to help inform the debate about legalization of marijuana, but it’s a very complicated issue and one study should not be taken in isolation,” Bechtold said.

New Project:

MentalHealthJustice.net (has twitter and facebook pages) is collecting videos of people’s stories with mental illness.. They can be about 3-5 minutes

Articles on dealing with people with mental illness-review

I never know whether or not to open links to articles on how to deal with someone like me. I have problems with it from the get go. I am an individual, not one size fits all. I feel like i am being talked about without my input.

I recently braved reading:

4 Ways to Find Out If Your Partner Is Using Their Depression as an Excuse for Controlling Behavior

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/depression-and-partner-abuse/

She then lists four things controlling/manipulative people sometimes do. You don’t have to have depression to do any of these things:

Do They Make You Spend All of Your Time with Them?

Do They Threaten Suicide When You Have Disagreements?

Do They Make You Feel Responsible for Their Mental Health?

Do They Trivialize Your Problems in Comparison to Theirs?

Keeping you to themselves is common in abusive relationships

I had an ex-boyfriend with no diagnosis threaten to commit suicide if I didn’t get back together with him

Many co-dependent partners worry their partner won’t be okay if they leave.

I don’t think trivializing others problems is solely something done by the mentally ill

I really don’t like the title or premise of this article. It could just be signs you are in a controlling/abusive relationship.

I do think there are some topics in this article that could be good for family members.

We are taught to take all mentions of suicide seriously. But, what do you do if it seems manipulative? I don’t know and that would be more meaningful for me.

How do you leave someone with a mental illness (or other condition) when you worry about how they will be on their own?

I felt the author used a provocative title/subject to grab readers

When are remarks “remarkable”?

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Not long ago I was listening to the Heidi and Frank show on the radio. They were doing a show on OCD. I don’t listen often and hoped maybe it would be okay. After all, it was mental health awareness month, at the time.

No. It was a comedy bit. I realize that is their job. but they were making fun of callers and people they know. Calling them “Freaks and “Weird”.

I rarely respond to those types of things but I contacted the radio station and NAMI. I didn’t expect to hear back from the station. NAMI told me they don’t deal much with that diagnosis and to contact an OCD foundation. I passed on the info and let it go.

Now I see this article:

Mike Huckabee and Schizophrenia; NAMI Calls for Apology Over Supreme Court Remarks on Iowa Radio Talk Show

 http://www.nami.org/Press-Media/Press-Releases/2015/Mike-Huckabee-and-Schizophrenia;-NAMI-Calls-for-Ap

I understand Mike Huckabee is a Presidential candidate. Is that what makes him a good example of stigma? He called a man with no mental illness (Supreme Court Justice Roberts) “schizophrenic”. I don’t think that compares with calling someone with a disorder “Freak”.

I do think he should be called on it, like others in the media. The choice  just seems arbitrary.

A Letter to My Children

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You may have wondered why I am not quite like other moms. I get tired easily and haven’t always been there to play. I haven’t taken you as many places. I don’t know what else, but I apologize

When you were very young, I had a psychotic break. That is when you lose touch with reality. I was thinking strange thoughts, seeing things , hearing voices of people I know, who weren’t there.

It seemed like it came out of the blue. I was keeping to myself and not saying much. I was going to work and your father was with us at home, but no one seemed to notice. People at work asked if I was okay and why I was sad, but that was it.

It wasn’t until Aunt Kim called on the phone. You know she is a nurse practitioner. She recognized that I wasn’t making sense and told Dad I needed to see a special kind of doctor. The doctor is called a psychiatrist. He prescribes me medication.

I went to the hospital for a short time. Leila I know you were worried when I was gone. I am sorry for about that. I want you to have a better understanding so you won’t have to worry if I go to the hospital again.

I have a mental illness. You may be familiar with other words people use, like “crazy”. I am not crazy, but I need medication for my brain to work right. Now, I don’t have those strange thoughts or voices.

I thought I would answer questions, as you asked, but you didn’t ask much. Leila, one day you helped me make a poster for a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) class. You asked why “I” was making it and I told you because I had a mental illness. You just said “I didn’t know that” and went back to playing. That was years ago. I don’t know if you remember.

And, you recently made me a friendship bracelet that says DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). I thought you might ask something when I asked for that, but you forgot what letters I asked for. I love my DSBA bracelet

Jonah, I know you are well aware of my medication. I take you to the pharmacy sometimes. I don’t want you to have to worry that I am physically ill. I recently tried to explain to you, but I fumbled my words, and you didn’t want to hear any more.

I do want to say how proud I am of both of you. Leila, you are so smart, talented and pretty. Jonah, you are so athletic, funny and hard working. I always worried that I wouldn’t give you enough. That somehow having a mentally ill parent would affect you, but you are the greatest kids.

If you have questions, please ask. I know you can imagine things worse than the truth. Jonah, remember when I wore sunglasses inside and you worried I was going blind? I want to be honest with you. I don’t want to announce it to the world, but I don’t want to keep my illness a secret from you.

Mom