Self Control

Hello all, this is drunk Quinn. But don’t discount me now- I have some things to say and being drunk shouldn’t turn you away. I want to explain myself, my drug use and bipolarity. Specifically I want to discuss self control.

There are two opposing parts of me. It is slightly difficult to explain. I am both very in control of myself and very out of control. I am incredibly impulsive, I can’t stop myself in many situations, but if there is one thing I cannot stress enough is that I know exactly what is happening and the consequences of it.

Tonight I went out drinking with my friends. I was essentially a “third wheel” but this is my little group of friends- just the three of us. I don’t have any friends I hang out regularly with until I met them. I talk to a few people but we never hang out. These friends I actually hang out with. And tonight, we went drinking at this pub.

I had been there before. I had to drive and I had class early the next morning. I figured just one drink would be fine. I was wrong. After they closed I had to sit in my car for quite a while until I was “safe” to drive. I had one drink, a Mai Tai, and I was gone. It is rare that I get that drunk. I learned though. That drink at that pub will do a number on me.

So when I went back there tonight… I knew that if I wanted to be drunk, I just had to get that one drink and I’d be good all night. And I was. My friend made a little fun of me though, not offensively, just banter. He saw how little I’d drank of mine, just a third, and he was already on his second. I told him I knew the power behind this drink and I would take my time as I saw fit.

Guess who ended up retching their guts out?

Yeah. Not me.

I will admit. I think I’ve been a little hypomanic these last few weeks. If I’m not hypomanic then I am so unbelievably stable that I am actually working with such high potential that I knew I had but didn’t know I could actually achieve.

You see… Over a week now I’ve been going off 5 hours of sleep most nights. I’ve been studying for my classes without breaks. One day I woke up- studied- took a shower- studied- went to bed. 11 hours of studying in total. Nonstop. I ate (a little) and showered (20mins) and that is all I did that day besides studying. That is not me. This is some other girl who can … I don’t even know. Someone who is obsessed. My therapist is so supportive. She sees me trying so hard, working nonstop to achieve my career goals. But I see someone who is abnormal.

I study constantly. When I am not studying- I am thinking about it. I am abusing drugs to make me even more motivated to study. But they don’t work, I just do it… because I want to. I want to do it right now and it is 3am. Ridiculous.

I’m studying. I barely sleep. I am energetic. Once my 3 midterms were over (3 in 2 days it was probably the most intense academic experience I’ve ever had and I’m in my fourth- but not last- year of college), I went and got drunk. Jager bombs. Bought a bottle of the stuff and bought the red bull to mix it with.

I had 3 hours of sleep the night before. I took two midterms. And that night I found myself awake at 3am cleaning my purse and organizing my room- while drunk. I crashed of course. Suddenly I was beyond exhausted. I’d had alcohol, red bull, and stimulants. So it was inevitable that I crashed. But before that I was cleaning and talkative and I was so alive.

But it is not even just the drugs. Yes, the abuse is a symptom. I know I abuse more when I’m in an episode. It was more than that. It has been more than that. I haven’t felt mildly sad (my “normal” state) in a while. I went to the doctor today (for some annoying problem) and I couldn’t shut up while the nurse did the ultrasound. And I ranted to the young receptionist who said she loved my outfit and asked me about my piercing. It was great.

But the thing is- I know. I always know. I see myself doing all of this. I see the signs: ranting, sleeping little, overly productive, the intoxicants.

But that doesn’t mean I can stop. I do this thing where I allow myself into bad situations that I know are bad but I just don’t care. People see me drunk and they immediately equate drunk to stupidity.

Quinn is drunk therefore she is stupid.

So when I met an interesting man tonight and conversed with him, my friends snatched me away. We had to go- she had to work early (which was fair), so we had to go. But they were really pushing it. But in the car they battered me. The guy was unsafe, didn’t I see the ring on his finger? He said he does hypnotism, did I really believe that crap? Couldn’t I hear all the BS he was spewing?

I do believe in hypnotism. But that’s because it was explained in one of my psychology courses. I am no expert but I understand the basics. I know how it essentially works. And it doesn’t work like how people think it does. That’s why people don’t believe it.

So when he was telling me that the key to hypnotizing someone who isn’t naturally “susceptible” (a very important term regarding hypnotism), is to make them trust the hypnotist… I saw exactly what he was doing. He told me that I had a strong sense of self control, a strong mind, that yes, I wasn’t very susceptible to hypnotism. But that anyone could be hypnotized… it just took trust.

And he was making me trust him- wasn’t he? Appealing to my better senses, making me feel good about myself. Oh yes, I have a strong mind, good control over myself.

Outwardly I look like any drunk girl. I can’t really walk straight. I talk a lot. I’m overly expressive, am friendly, excitable, energetic, friendly (wait I said that already). I am fun. So why would this guy I just met know that I have such a good sense of self control, when I seem like any drunk girl?

Yea, perhaps he does read people well. But I’ve never believed that you can read someone well just after meeting them. I give people a chance, I try to see who they are and disregard my intentional judgement.

But that is not what other people do. My friends saw this man hitting on me and talking about hypnotism… and saw a very bad situation. But what I saw was entertainment. Look at this guy who thinks he can have control over me. Look at how he thinks he can make me trust him. Look at how he thinks it is working.

Oh but don’t- just don’t- equate me being drunk to me being stupid.

I watch my drink like a hawk. I know when someone is touching me in that “friendly” drunk way. I know when someone is creepy. I know when I’m being hit on. I know.

There are some bad situations I walk into all knowing too well what will happen.

There are others I don’t walk into.

For example, I didn’t drink three mai tais like my friend did because, well, I didn’t want to retch out the window of the car like he did. Some bad situations just aren’t fun.

Regret isn’t a word, or feeling, I’m very familiar with.

But being sick isn’t entertaining, it sucks. If I am going to be in a bad situation then it sure as hell better be entertaining. Will I text him? I don’t know just yet. I am interested in hypnotism. But no, I don’t trust him to try it on me. The whole thing sounded so weird to me. All I could think was, what would he make me do if it worked?

But will I let myself walk into that situation? Curiosity killed the cat… and I am an awful lot like a cat.

In the car my friends told me what I already knew. Additionally, I showed them I had a better understanding of the situation than they did.

Do you not believe me? Does the fact that I am drunk make me an idiot?

Even if I were sober I would entertain this man. I am overly curious of people. That’s why I want to go into the field of psychology.

But friends come and go. And it seems like I lose friends faster than they can come to believe I am not the drunk idiot I seem to be.

Or am I? Am I drunk and stupid? Have I convinced myself I am more in control of myself?

Or am I just aware of how out of control I am? I let it happen… but I know.

Self control is not a matter of whether you have it or not. It is but isn’t a choice.

Perhaps I have no self control. But what I do have is enough foresight to see the consequences.

But… is that the way everyone is?

I’ve gone and confused myself with all this writing.

I guess I’ll leave it up to anyone who reads this… do I have self control? Am I stupid when I’m drunk? Am I hypomanic?

Can I be impulsive and yet still have control?

I don’t know.

All I know is that I am starting to crash… so goodnight.

-Quinn

by

I’m a 22 year old college student with aspirations too high for my own good. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar type 1 and have a small gathering of other problems like self-harm, anxiety, and ones I don’t talk about (yet). I’m the proud owner of a big and rambunctious kitten. I love to write, I live with my parents, and I always seem to be having some sort of mental flare up.