******TRIGGER WARNING: Anorexia somewhat and EXTREMELY GRAPHIC SELF HARM******
DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SELF HARM ESPECIALLY IN GRAPHIC DETAIL.
You have been warned.
This is probably the single most important story in my life. It led to a cascade of events: hospitalization, my correct diagnosis of bipolar, getting kicked out of school, and finally getting the real help I needed.
It was 6am when I finally asked my ex-boyfriend for my knife back. We aren’t on speaking terms and we are clear that we can never be. We’re either together or not. And together is awful, dangerous, addicting, full of love, full of hate.
Today I see him to get it back, so I stress out about it of course. I overthink what I will wear. I felt the need to show him how much my appearance has changed, how much I have changed. Both of which are major improvements.
Should I go laid back in my cute dorm-room college girl get up all from Victoria’s Secret? Or should I go with my traditional assemble which people describe as “edgy” because its boots and leather jackets and what not?
People see the scars on my arms and legs and they tell me to stop in various ways.
But what people don’t see is all the other ways I harm myself. I get myself into bad self-destructive situations. I smoke, I drink, I take a little too much Xanax, I get into pointless arguments.
Self-harming isn’t just cutting yourself or even burning, hitting, etc.
The actions you take can be self harm too.
It may not be the definition. Maybe it doesn’t count. But to me, these are ways I hurt myself.
I’m putting myself in a situation that will lead to bad consequences. But I can’t help myself. I don’t know how to stop.
I don’t want to talk about the situation… I told myself I’d turned over a new leaf. Yet here I am following this path of self destruction once again. And I don’t know how to make it stop.
People like me get one hell of a bad reputation. But… maybe if they were in my situation, they’d realize how hard it is. Maybe they wouldn’t think so badly of me. Well, I think badly of myself. But it feels out of control, I feel myself going through the actions, getting myself into this situation, and feeling helpless.
I just gotta hold on till I see my therapist. I need real advice, I have a real problem here.
I don’t want to be this person anymore.
I’m… I’m scared to say it.
But I think I’m finally ready to give this whole “recovery” thing a try.
I’ve always half-assed the stopping self-harm thing. Kinda shrugged, said sure, whatever. Glided by with my therapist, occasionally didn’t mention that I slipped up.
Yeah I was scared after I cut my wrist wide open, and that slowed me down. And then other things slowed me down, like my boyfriend who said I had to stop but it had to be for “me” (which I said it was- mostly a lie). Or my Hawaii trip where I wanted to wear shorts without fresh scars.
But today… maybe it is the little bit of alcohol in my blood…
But I feel like… I should give it a shot.
I just hope I don’t change my mind.
Because the ink I put in my skin today?
“Do no harm… Have no fear.”
It has a lot of meaning to it.
But it is pretty straight forward.
“Do no harm,” that applies to myself as well.
And maybe I should give it a try.
3/25/15 is the day then.
“Have no fear.”