Self Destructive Habits

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People see the scars on my arms and legs and they tell me to stop in various ways.

But what people don’t see is all the other ways I harm myself. I get myself into bad self-destructive situations. I smoke, I drink, I take a little too much Xanax, I get into pointless arguments.

Self-harming isn’t just cutting yourself or even burning, hitting, etc.

The actions you take can be self harm too.

It may not be the definition. Maybe it doesn’t count. But to me, these are ways I hurt myself.

I’m putting myself in a situation that will lead to bad consequences. But I can’t help myself. I don’t know how to stop.

I don’t want to talk about the situation… I told myself I’d turned over a new leaf. Yet here I am following this path of self destruction once again. And I don’t know how to make it stop.

People like me get one hell of a bad reputation. But… maybe if they were in my situation, they’d realize how hard it is. Maybe they wouldn’t think so badly of me. Well, I think badly of myself. But it feels out of control, I feel myself going through the actions, getting myself into this situation, and feeling helpless.

I just gotta hold on till I see my therapist. I need real advice, I have a real problem here.

I don’t want to be this person anymore.

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I'm a 22 year old college student with aspirations too high for my own good. I've been diagnosed bipolar type 1 and have a small gathering of other problems like self-harm, anxiety, and ones I don't talk about (yet). I'm the proud owner of a big and rambunctious kitten. I love to write, I live with my parents, and I always seem to be having some sort of mental flare up.

2 thoughts on “Self Destructive Habits”

  1. identicon Joel Identicon Joel

    I know how you feel. I remember all the lousy stuff that I went through getting to “more or less well”. People think that we like being the way we are and the truth is that we don’t. We are caught in a fall that always ends with us slamming into the ground. Then we get up, dust ourselves off, and fall again.

    Sooner or later, we figure out a way to stop the cycle. Maybe we don’t fall as far. Maybe we avoid that sudden stop at the end. It pieces itself together, Quinn, if we give it a chance and work on it a bit.

  2. Quinn Identicon Quinn

    Yes, you’re right Joel. I “fell” again today. Not in the way I suggested in the post, in a different way. I was tired and made a mistake. And I felt myself hit ground harder than concrete.
    Instead of leaving what should have been left alone- alone. I shook the hornets’ nest thinking I may find butterflies and then realized I’d find, well, hornets.
    Ironically, I found nothing.
    Well, nothing besides a girl who made a fool of herself.

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