What is fun?

Here I find myself, papers scattered around- my assignments and my notes. My thoughts feel like they are shuttering, I can’t understand this chapter, I am lost. And I feel scared.

It makes me stop. And I have to ask myself, what’s happened? It has been weeks… endless weeks of nonstop studying. I grew tired of doing research for my essay but the only other thing I could think of doing was another homework assignment (due in over a week).

And now I’m stuck. My brain doesn’t know what to do. I am too burnt out to write the essay but I am stuck on this physics chapter. The Ritalin I’ve been abusing is nagging at me to keep going. But I realize that some part of me is very weary.

The therapist applauds me for my determination, motivation, and hard work. Even when I suggested I might be hypomanic.

I barely sleep on weeknights (5 hours about) and on weekends I spend the days studying endlessly with only breaks to go out and drink. And then I’ve been promiscuous. Ah but it has been fun, hasn’t it?

I can’t slow down. I don’t want to slow down. I still have a few more weeks till summer, I can’t stop now. I need to keep up this pace. Because even though I spend all my time endlessly working- it rarely pays off.

Working nonstop, drinking, promiscuous, little sleep, increased productivity, drug use, slightly elevated mood.

Am I hypomanic? Tell me I’m not, I don’t want this to end.

I just… I want to figure out this homework assignment. But none of it is making sense…

And I don’t really know how to cope with that right now.

And why am I so tired? It is midnight and I stay up much later than that…

I should sleep but that sounds terribly dull. I feel so intoxicated.

Maybe I should do something fun. But I don’t remember what I did for fun. I was so manic during winter. And before winter I had a job and went to school. I haven’t relaxed in a long time now, and I fear I’ve lost the knowledge of how to.

I have to keep going, on and on and on, I can’t stop.

What else is there to do?

by

I’m a 22 year old college student with aspirations too high for my own good. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar type 1 and have a small gathering of other problems like self-harm, anxiety, and ones I don’t talk about (yet). I’m the proud owner of a big and rambunctious kitten. I love to write, I live with my parents, and I always seem to be having some sort of mental flare up.