Here I find myself, papers scattered around- my assignments and my notes. My thoughts feel like they are shuttering, I can’t understand this chapter, I am lost. And I feel scared.
It makes me stop. And I have to ask myself, what’s happened? It has been weeks… endless weeks of nonstop studying. I grew tired of doing research for my essay but the only other thing I could think of doing was another homework assignment (due in over a week).
And now I’m stuck. My brain doesn’t know what to do. I am too burnt out to write the essay but I am stuck on this physics chapter. The Ritalin I’ve been abusing is nagging at me to keep going. But I realize that some part of me is very weary.
The therapist applauds me for my determination, motivation, and hard work. Even when I suggested I might be hypomanic.
I barely sleep on weeknights (5 hours about) and on weekends I spend the days studying endlessly with only breaks to go out and drink. And then I’ve been promiscuous. Ah but it has been fun, hasn’t it?
I can’t slow down. I don’t want to slow down. I still have a few more weeks till summer, I can’t stop now. I need to keep up this pace. Because even though I spend all my time endlessly working- it rarely pays off.
Working nonstop, drinking, promiscuous, little sleep, increased productivity, drug use, slightly elevated mood.
Am I hypomanic? Tell me I’m not, I don’t want this to end.
I just… I want to figure out this homework assignment. But none of it is making sense…
And I don’t really know how to cope with that right now.
And why am I so tired? It is midnight and I stay up much later than that…
I should sleep but that sounds terribly dull. I feel so intoxicated.
Maybe I should do something fun. But I don’t remember what I did for fun. I was so manic during winter. And before winter I had a job and went to school. I haven’t relaxed in a long time now, and I fear I’ve lost the knowledge of how to.
I have to keep going, on and on and on, I can’t stop.
What else is there to do?