Update

I wrote the last post a while back but only just posted.  Since then, I’ve gone through a period of feeling relatively well.  My meds were working.  I was writing again and getting a lot done.

Now I’m back in a low period.  My mood has sunk.  My book again is on the back burner.  There’s a lot going on in my life.  My wife is taking the bar exam, so I am picking up the slack around the house.  That has taken a toll, especially since I am simultaneously busy at work.  It all adds up.

I can’t wait for some time on my own.

On the bright side, I picked up an old volume of Chekhov’s stories.  I haven’t read Chekhov in years, perhaps more than a decade.  It’s like returning to an old friend.  It’s good to enjoy something again, no matter how minor.

1 Comment

As Joel and others have pointed out here and elsewhere, our medications do not erase our personalities.  They allow to take control of our lives and develop ourselves and our personalities.  They are in that way empowering.

But for several years, now, I have felt on and off the meds that I have lost part of my personality.  I used to read and love it (though it has always and remains an excruciating and slow process for me).  I used to love art.  There was a time when I was involved in activism.  And I loved talking about all of these things.

Now, my life is dominated by preoccupations, both external and internal.  In my head, the mindless, futile, obsessive thoughts are an ever-present part of my inner life.  At times they overwhelm everything else, until I feel little else.

And I seek mindless activities to fall into and obliterate myself.  YouTube videos.  Silly films.  Television.  I seldom read.  I seldom watch challenging films.  My writing is on the back burner.

My malady is probably not the result of my meds.  As noted, it started before I entered upon a course of bipolar treatment medication.

Perhaps it started as a feeble shield against my illness.  Now, I fear, it is the fear of dealing with the world that keeps me from shedding my passivity and numbness.

Does this happen to others?  Is it a “primary gain” in the Freudian terminology (as an external motivator to rely on one’s illness to avoid responsibilities or as an excuse for one’s actions)?  I don’t know.

When I was on a roller coaster of emotions, I wanted the obliteration of avoiding my emotions and reality in general.  Part of this was avoiding thinking about and dealing with the consequences of my illness on my life (financially and otherwise).  It was painful.  But a part of me just couldn’t face it.

Life is a delicate balance.

Articles on dealing with people with mental illness-review

I never know whether or not to open links to articles on how to deal with someone like me. I have problems with it from the get go. I am an individual, not one size fits all. I feel like i am being talked about without my input.

I recently braved reading:

4 Ways to Find Out If Your Partner Is Using Their Depression as an Excuse for Controlling Behavior

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/depression-and-partner-abuse/

She then lists four things controlling/manipulative people sometimes do. You don’t have to have depression to do any of these things:

Do They Make You Spend All of Your Time with Them?

Do They Threaten Suicide When You Have Disagreements?

Do They Make You Feel Responsible for Their Mental Health?

Do They Trivialize Your Problems in Comparison to Theirs?

Keeping you to themselves is common in abusive relationships

I had an ex-boyfriend with no diagnosis threaten to commit suicide if I didn’t get back together with him

Many co-dependent partners worry their partner won’t be okay if they leave.

I don’t think trivializing others problems is solely something done by the mentally ill

I really don’t like the title or premise of this article. It could just be signs you are in a controlling/abusive relationship.

I do think there are some topics in this article that could be good for family members.

We are taught to take all mentions of suicide seriously. But, what do you do if it seems manipulative? I don’t know and that would be more meaningful for me.

How do you leave someone with a mental illness (or other condition) when you worry about how they will be on their own?

I felt the author used a provocative title/subject to grab readers

Low-Grade Depression?

I have been trying to discern if I have been in a low grade depression or not. It can be tough to recognize these borderlands. The signs can be subtle. While I do not have negative thoughts coming at me and trying to carry me off on the backs of lemmings flooding over a cliff, I have found it harder to complete tasks and sleep less than 11 hours a day. If I am not in a depression, I am very near one, I think.

Two things in particular seem to be helping at this point. The first is my Vyvanse. The second is exercise. Vyvanse is known for raising people out of funks. Exercise is a remedy that I have used for a long time. But it only helps when I am gasping at the surface of that great ocean of drowning. So if I am down, it is not very far.

The Night of The Cut *Graphic Self Harm Trigger Warning*

******TRIGGER WARNING: Anorexia somewhat and EXTREMELY GRAPHIC SELF HARM******

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SELF HARM ESPECIALLY IN GRAPHIC DETAIL.

You have been warned.

This is probably the single most important story in my life. It led to a cascade of events: hospitalization, my correct diagnosis of bipolar, getting kicked out of school, and finally getting the real help I needed.

It was 6am when I finally asked my ex-boyfriend for my knife back. We aren’t on speaking terms and we are clear that we can never be. We’re either together or not. And together is awful, dangerous, addicting, full of love, full of hate.

Today I see him to get it back, so I stress out about it of course. I overthink what I will wear. I felt the need to show him how much my appearance has changed, how much I have changed. Both of which are major improvements.

Should I go laid back in my cute dorm-room college girl get up all from Victoria’s Secret? Or should I go with my traditional assemble which people describe as “edgy” because its boots and leather jackets and what not?
Read More

When are remarks “remarkable”?

1 Comment

Not long ago I was listening to the Heidi and Frank show on the radio. They were doing a show on OCD. I don’t listen often and hoped maybe it would be okay. After all, it was mental health awareness month, at the time.

No. It was a comedy bit. I realize that is their job. but they were making fun of callers and people they know. Calling them “Freaks and “Weird”.

I rarely respond to those types of things but I contacted the radio station and NAMI. I didn’t expect to hear back from the station. NAMI told me they don’t deal much with that diagnosis and to contact an OCD foundation. I passed on the info and let it go.

Now I see this article:

Mike Huckabee and Schizophrenia; NAMI Calls for Apology Over Supreme Court Remarks on Iowa Radio Talk Show

 http://www.nami.org/Press-Media/Press-Releases/2015/Mike-Huckabee-and-Schizophrenia;-NAMI-Calls-for-Ap

I understand Mike Huckabee is a Presidential candidate. Is that what makes him a good example of stigma? He called a man with no mental illness (Supreme Court Justice Roberts) “schizophrenic”. I don’t think that compares with calling someone with a disorder “Freak”.

I do think he should be called on it, like others in the media. The choice  just seems arbitrary.

Unseen Contributor to Teen Mental Illness?

4 Comments

It has been bothering me for a few years now. The surge in young teens who seem absorbed in mental illness.

I first noticed it after I’d had my iphone for a while. Probably over a year after (I was 18 when I got it). I’d been diagnosed when i was 17, and was probably 19 when I noticed. I was on instagram when I got the random desire to see if there were posts about mental illness on there.

And what I saw horrified me.

Kids as young as 12 were posting horrible photos. Typically it was just the cliche depressed quotes over and over again. But there were also photos of other things… there was “thinspiration” where people would post skinny girls who were their “goal” look in terms of thinness. And then there was the pencil test to determine if you really are thin or not, so people posted pictures of those. And pictures of thigh gaps. But I can’t relate to eating disorders, never had one and don’t think I ever will. Then there were ones that flooded my search and were even triggering to me- self harm photos. They were everywhere. I was horrified.
Read More

A Letter to My Children

2 Comments

 

You may have wondered why I am not quite like other moms. I get tired easily and haven’t always been there to play. I haven’t taken you as many places. I don’t know what else, but I apologize

When you were very young, I had a psychotic break. That is when you lose touch with reality. I was thinking strange thoughts, seeing things , hearing voices of people I know, who weren’t there.

It seemed like it came out of the blue. I was keeping to myself and not saying much. I was going to work and your father was with us at home, but no one seemed to notice. People at work asked if I was okay and why I was sad, but that was it.

It wasn’t until Aunt Kim called on the phone. You know she is a nurse practitioner. She recognized that I wasn’t making sense and told Dad I needed to see a special kind of doctor. The doctor is called a psychiatrist. He prescribes me medication.

I went to the hospital for a short time. Leila I know you were worried when I was gone. I am sorry for about that. I want you to have a better understanding so you won’t have to worry if I go to the hospital again.

I have a mental illness. You may be familiar with other words people use, like “crazy”. I am not crazy, but I need medication for my brain to work right. Now, I don’t have those strange thoughts or voices.

I thought I would answer questions, as you asked, but you didn’t ask much. Leila, one day you helped me make a poster for a NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) class. You asked why “I” was making it and I told you because I had a mental illness. You just said “I didn’t know that” and went back to playing. That was years ago. I don’t know if you remember.

And, you recently made me a friendship bracelet that says DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance). I thought you might ask something when I asked for that, but you forgot what letters I asked for. I love my DSBA bracelet

Jonah, I know you are well aware of my medication. I take you to the pharmacy sometimes. I don’t want you to have to worry that I am physically ill. I recently tried to explain to you, but I fumbled my words, and you didn’t want to hear any more.

I do want to say how proud I am of both of you. Leila, you are so smart, talented and pretty. Jonah, you are so athletic, funny and hard working. I always worried that I wouldn’t give you enough. That somehow having a mentally ill parent would affect you, but you are the greatest kids.

If you have questions, please ask. I know you can imagine things worse than the truth. Jonah, remember when I wore sunglasses inside and you worried I was going blind? I want to be honest with you. I don’t want to announce it to the world, but I don’t want to keep my illness a secret from you.

Mom

The Beast

I think it is important to make a separation between ourselves and the disease. This, I think, is a state of mind more than anything else. I give mine a name — The Beast. Sometimes The Beast is ravenous and chews on my rib cage; other times it is rabid and tears out the sinews of my self control. I do my best to tame The Beast and part of that taming is taking my meds. But The Beast is only part of what makes me, me. I feel that The Beast, properly leashed, is part of the “essential and precious character” of my person, but not the only one to be acknowledged, reviled, or celebrated.

The illness and me

2 Comments

I try not to over-identify with my mental illness. It is part of me, but not all of me. I have heard people suggest it is something separate. What is the illness vs what is me? I understand that. There are symptoms, behaviors that aren’t typical for me.

For me, I am a person with a mental illness, like I am a person with green eyes.. I don’t know how to tease the two apart.

There was a point, after diagnosis, when I would interpret any change in mood as a symptom. I would micro-manage my illness. I spent a lot of time reading and trying to make sense of it all.

To me, part of my healing, was to learn to trust that a good day could be a good day and a bad mood could be normal. That I could relax and not worry so much.

I still spend a lot of time on mental illness websites, volunteering for mental health organizations, going to support groups but at least sometimes I feel like I can share and educate and give back.