After missing my meds the other night, and then taking them last night, it was like a transformation occurred.

I went to class today and was able to focus the entire time. I was energetic enough to seek out potential professors seeking research assistants. I got stuff done and tonight I plan on going to a club. Most of all- I felt happy to be alive. Maybe a little too happy and productive, but whatever I’ll roll with it.

But my friend texted me something. She said, “With meds. Without meds. Completely different. It’s both terrifying and amazing at the same time how much of an affect they can have on you.”

And I have to agree with her. The times I’ve gone off meds I’ve turned into a nervous wreck, unable to function, vomiting from anxiety, and apparently dangerously suicidal as last night proved.

But what I told her is that, yes, it is frightening. But what frightens me more is that I don’t know who that person is. I’ve only been on meds 3 years (which isn’t a long time compared to some people) but it is weird to me not knowing who I am without them.

I know for me, when I’ve quit my meds spontaneously, part of my reasoning was that I wanted to see who I was without them. And every time I did I was scared beyond belief. I wish there was a way to know that person but it is simply too dangerous. Part of me wants to see just how bad I can get. I want to know. I want to see the difference medication has made.

I do see it, sometimes. If I think back to high school before I turned 18 and got meds, I was a nightmare. I was suicidal, I was erratic, I was pessimist beyond belief… In all honesty, I was really just a horrible person. I won’t deny it, I didn’t like that person. That’s why I wanted to kill her.

Meds changed my life, even if the antidepressants did later further my problems. They started off helping before I descended again. But it was different than before, when there was no meds. On them I was still somewhat sedated. I can’t help but wonder anyway.

A lot of people think the meds strip you of personality. Make you numb. Make you a zombie.

And the right ones in the right dosages don’t.

I know who I am on the meds.

But I can’t help but wonder anyway…

Who am I underneath this safety blanket?

-Quinn

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