*Trigger warning- Suicide*
I woke up to my cell phone buzzing, upon answering it I find my test results for a certain physical problem were not determinable with the tests done at that lab, as a result, I will have to see a specialist.
This could either mean 1) my symptoms are psychosomatic (common problem with me) or 2) I have a serious problem.
In any case, I went along my day. I went to my second day back at college and it started horribly. At first I had the patience to be involved in the 3 hour long lab. But it dragged on, describing all the intricate details of animal reproductive anatomy. I’m not quite sure what there is even left to learn for the rest of the quarter.
In any case, I got increasingly depressed. I was dying for a cigarette and on our short break, I puffed away at my e-cig. I’d already been excluded from the group. My attempt to make a friend completely failed and I was left with no companionship. However, a girl who’s been in a number of my classes and was even a friend in one- said hi, but that was it. I don’t particularly like or dislike her (she did lie and say she got an A once when she in fact got a B on an exam), but what never ceases to amaze me is how she always manages to make a million friends in the class. Just with everyone around her. And I always find myself alone. It must be a flaw with me I figure.
The lab continues on till the actual hands on part, I wander around, pretending to care about the material. Noting the specimens under the microscope. And eventually ask the professor when we can leave, and proceed to do so.
3 hours have to pass before my next class. I start it out with a cigarette and stare at the new signs that popped up about how smoking is prohibited in this area. They were never there before and there used to be ash trays. But there is a noticeable lack of signs in the exact spot I’m sitting at. Yesterday I even had a short but pleasant conversation about the conversion with a guy who was also smoking.
I was hoping to see him again, but no luck it seems. I’m gradually feeling my mood shift down. I grab a beer at the pizza place on campus and eat half a personal pan pizza (it was all I could manage).
I wander out and find a secluded spot under a tree.
Eventually I move from there to a lesser traveled staircase near an ashtray. My thoughts have degraded. I’ve taken a Xanax to calm down, but it only seemed to make my mood lower.
I sat on that staircase for quite a while, with my back to the majority passerbys.
I don’t know exactly when the thoughts started. I mean, they’ve been in my mind since I was about 16/17. And they’ve peaked only once to a dangerous degree. But today… they just escalated.
I sat through my lecture. My mood proceeding downward. When I was unable to follow the lecture anymore (which didn’t take long) I was lost in my own thoughts. One of my other illnesses (that I don’t speak of) flares up terribly in classrooms. It makes it nearly impossible to focus on lectures and becomes a source of immense irritation. I was going out of my mind. And planning, just planning.
As class was coming to an end I was subtly wiping the start of tears from my eyes. I got out of there as fast as I could, feeling as if I was on a one-track path. I texted my therapist, telling her I think I might need a 5150.
She told me to go play games with my mom, in which case I told her I wasn’t at home but school.
She told me something generic, school was stressful but I can do this, go home, play games, relax for the rest of the night.
But she just didn’t understand. School will always be stressful and with my career goals- I will be in school for a veryyy long time. I had a plan, I just had to get home. I watched my phone carefully as I drove, hoping she’d text me back after I said, “school will always be stressful.” But she didn’t. Maybe she was with a patient, I don’t know. In any case, she didn’t write me back.
I drove home, trying to think of a reason to live. This weird building that glows and emits changing colors- nah I could deal with never seeing that again. I drove past the mall- Yeah I’d be fine never going shopping there with friends again. I tried to think of the future… the thought of marriage usually excites me. But that felt hopeless too.
I cried part of the way, trying to find some reason to live. When the reality is I only live for one reason- not to inflict the pain of my permanent absence on my family. But even this didn’t seem like a good enough reason. Everything hurt too much. I just had to make one stop before home, then I’d be set. I had it all worked out.
But then out of nowhere an idea popped into my head. Completely unexpected, I had the biggest craving for a Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzard. I haven’t had one in forever. And suddenly my need to eat one was essential. I knew the pit stop I had to make was out of the way, that my Blizzard would melt by then, that I was too tired to do both. But I wanted that ice cream more than I wanted to die.
I almost had a meltdown when I couldn’t find the DQ, thinking that perhaps it had gone out of business. I made one more pass by and then I saw it. I was thankful it was still there. I think if it hadn’t been I would have sat in the parking lot looking up locations, and if none were open… then I don’t know what I would have done.
The ice cream was good, perhaps not the perfection I hoped for. But for some reason it just… calmed me enough.
I came home and devoured the whole thing. And then I texted my therapist the truth. Something I’ve been holding back from admitting to my therapist, psychiatrist, friends, everyone, for years. That I’ve had the urge for years. That it peaked today- hard.
The truth is… I never felt the need to tell anyone. Because I know if it is going to happen- it’ll happen. Without much warning at all. It almost happened today, I tried to give warning. But really, if it is going to happen, I’ll never be able to reach out in a straight forward enough manner to get me the help I need before it is too late.
I told my therapist that she could hospitalize me if she wanted to. I don’t know what she is doing though because she hasn’t replied.
I almost wish that the doorbell would ring with two cops ready to haul me off to the hospital (is that how it happens? My one stay in the ward was initiated in different circumstances…).
I am very tired now. I feel so exhausted. It’s like I took 5 Xanax and I’m just ready to pass out. But that is part of the problem, I have to go to school tomorrow, I have to shower and get ready and be presentable and wake up early.
And I am just so fatigued already. It has only been two days but I feel like it is already finals week.
I had one hell of a day. The doctor’s said this would be hard. The told me to use the anxiety meds as needed for it. I just, I didn’t expect for this to happen.
I always have suicidal ideation, but today it escalated to a point where I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t chosen to get that ice cream.
I’m sure I would have settled down. I am not afraid of death, I am afraid of dying.
The process is scarier than the result.
In any case, I am beyond tired.
I don’t want to worry anyone- I am safe.
I told my therapist in any case, so it is out there now. Telling this is hard… but today was a wake-up call. I came too close.
I just wish to sleep now.