Category Archives: Treatments

Keeping A Journal – Suggestions

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Inpatient stays and outpatient programs taught me much. Everyday, I use the tools I was taught to help manage my bipolar 2 disorder. Although there are many, in my opinion, keeping a journal has proven to be one of the most effective tools I was taught to use. However, at first, I wasn’t easily convinced that it was something I could do, and I wasn’t really keen on the idea.

I was in an outpatient program when given my first empty notebook. Those blank pages overwhelmed me! You might find that interesting considering the fact that I love to write short stories and poetry. I have even dabbled a few times with writing lyrics. But this was different. I was being asked to write down my personal thoughts, not words I could hide behind in a land of dark fantasy.

However, I found it was like a muscle. The first time I used it, it hurt and I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing. I felt very clumsy trying to journal. Was my technique and form correct? If looking, was anyone going to laugh at me? Was this really goingto do me any good or was it a useless activity? I couldn’t stand how weak several (hundreds?) of entries felt and seemed. Several times, I wanted to give up.

But like any other muscle, the more I used it, the better I felt and the more ways I figured out how to refine and strengthen it. It has almost become an addiction! I feel an urge to journal daily (sometimes more than once a day) and if I skip, I miss it. I feel light and free after I journal. It helps me to see patterns in my moods. I use it as a reference to go back to when needed.

Have you tried to keep a journal? Here are some tips if you would like to try:

  • Don’t feel like you have to spend a lot of money on a journal. You can if you want to, but what’s important is what is on the inside, not how it looks on the outside.
  • Set a time aside just to journal. It doesn’t have to be long. An entry of a couple of paragraphs is great! And, if you get interrupted in the middle of an entry, shrug it off and start a new one next time.
  • Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, or punctuation. Just write!
  • Don’t worry about writing neatly.
  • If you miss a few or more days, don’t give it up or feel like you have failed. Pick back up as soon as you are able.

My first entries were short. Now, they are longer and you will notice that I have added a few things more than just writing my thoughts. Here is what and how I currently journal:

  • First and foremost, with absolutely any thought that pops into my head, I write it down. You may laugh at the times I have written, ‘What should I write now? I can’t think of anything else.’ When I write that, I have learned to recognize that I am usually trying to push negative thoughts out of my head so I don’t have to think about them. It’s always those embarrassing or dark thoughts that are the hardest to admit in written form. I had to train myself to allow any thought I had make it down to my fingers and out of the writing utensil because it was the negative ones that I didn’t want or think I could work through!
  • Thoughts I write can be anything. Victories, failures, complaints, fears, humor, self pity, secrets…you name it, I force myself to write it. It can be brutal. It can be irrational. It can be insightful.
  • When I write, I make sure to spend time and expand on the topic, trying to see it from every side. If it is a victory, I document how I got there, how it made me feel, and the benefits I noticed. If it is a complaint, I document what validity I feel it has, what a devil’s advocate may think, and what I intend to do to fix it. Get the picture?
  • I also write two short term goals to be accomplished in the next 24 hours, as well as one long term goal that I am working on. The next time I journal, I make sure to look at those goals. If I didn’t achieve them or aren’t done with them, I simply write it as a goal again!
  • Finally, I journal positive affirmations. If you haven’t tried positive affirmations before, Google it for a definition, how it can help, and suggestions to start you out. For me, I started with a generic list of 5 that I found with Google. I currently have 18 that are very personalized. That list grows, but it never shrinks! Every time I journal, I write my list.

So, what and how do you journal? Your comments could help me to refine my muscle even more to get stronger! If you aren’t keeping a journal now, I hope you try it. Be patient and just do what feels right, but be honest and let those thoughts go!

Happy journaling!

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Writing Helps to Heal

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I know it sounds cliche because we have all heard it before, “Why don’t you write about it? It’ll help” Yet, few of us really take that advice and implement it. Most of us take it as psychiatric mumbo jumbo, and continue with our pain alone for fear of burdening our close friends and relatives, those we have left anyway.

I was one of those non-believers in the power of writing and it took me a good nine years after being formally diagnosed to take finger to keyboard and just type. I started with a Twitter. Yes, I took to social media with my angst because if I was gonna share with the world, I was doing it loud and clear and on the internet. And lo and behold, I found a whole community of people like me, fellow sufferers and survivors of mental wellness. I could not have been more surprised at feeling a sense of camaraderie on the internet of all places. I was so overwhelmed that I started crying after one of my Tweets got retweeted, a personal Tweet I must say.

Maybe it sounds lame to you, but after that first reTweet, I was hooked on writing. I quickly found venues to express my thoughts and opinions, and somehow for some odd reason, people were listening to me. And not only listening, but commiserating, it was as if I had come home, finally.

Now, whenever I feel any slight anxiety, mania, depression, whatever, I take to writing. I love it. Everything about it. And I love and appreciate the people that have given me the chance to use my voice for good.

11 Commandments for People Living with Bipolar Disorder

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Recovery from bipolar disorder is almost like a religion or an ethical system. Certain devotions must be part of our lives if we are to recover our balance.

  1. I shall hold myself accountable for all works of my body and my mind including those which I wreak when I am in episode.
    It is important, I feel, not to separate the illness from ourselves. We did the things that happened while we were in episode. There was no second soul seizing control of our bodies. Our mind is a stream that flows continuously, sometimes over rough ground, sometimes in placid stretches, and sometimes over cliffs. We own all these states of our being.

  2. I shall never use my illness as an excuse.
    Our episodes explain what we did. The difference between an explanation and an excuse is this: An explanation asks only for forgiveness. An excuse entitles us to both trust and forgiveness. We do not deserve the former until we have earned it.

    3. Continue reading →

Did the Meds “Erase” My Personality?

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The thing I don’t like about being angry is that it isn’t the me that I want to be. It’s a nuclear fireball, a complete eradication of the rest of my personality. For a few seconds, everything that I love becomes less than a memory. The witnesses to my explosion see a six foot six inch tall brute with a beard screaming at the top of his lungs and waving his arms about. Wouldn’t you be scared? Wouldn’t you keep that memory in your head purely for reasons of defense?

These scenes came more frequently when I was soaring in and out of manias and mixed states. It isn’t hard to see that my anger could be tied to my suicidal inclinations. Because I could not and would not destroy the objects of my ire, I turned that impulse towards myself. One time too many it brought me to a place where I was studying the veins on my wrist. Beyond the eradication of myself that was caused by my disease, lay the prospect of self-annihilation as punishment or revenge.

Maybe now you can understand my reaction that came while I was planting vinegar weed at the Native Seed Farm. I had done something stupid — I had mentioned my involvement in the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance in a passing comment. Most people let it drop, but this one woman wanted to know more. What were the people like? Was I ever scared? And then the most stigmatizing thing someone can say about someone who takes his meds faithfully: don’t the meds erase your personality?

Continue reading →

Self-Compassion

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I wonder if people who read these blogs know the difference between being an ally and simply supporting. I can support many causes, but to be a true ally is to feel the pain of someone else as your own and still feel compassion.

Compassion is when you not only tolerate, but also accept someone for who they are, in their entirety. And it takes a secure and confident person to be compassionate because you have to admit to yourself that you are human and are prone to err, and so are others.

I strongly believe that if we spent more time being compassionate, without pity, rather than just tolerant, we would be a less violent society. And I mean violent in all its aspects: verbally violent, physically violent, emotionally violent, etc.

You may disagree with me, and that’s okay, but there is no need to be verbally aggressive and accuse me of being who knows what. Rather, we should strive as human beings to really truly see the good and move towards compassion. Compassion for others, but more importantly for ourselves.

How many times haven’t I counseled someone on the importance of self-care, yet do not take my own advice and end up almost burned out? That’s not self-compassion.

We cannot forget ourselves and forget to be compassionate towards ourselves as well. And what does self-compassion even mean? It means whatever you need to be right with yourself and with the world. To me, it means taking breaks once in a while to write, read, and be alone so that I can be a better person, mother, wife, daughter, employee, etc.

What does self-compassion look for you???

The Disease Didn’t Do It — You Did

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Many people in bipolar support groups counsel the newly diagnosed not to feel shame for things they did while they were in episode: it was the disease that did it, not them is the reasoning. This cleaving of the self, I think, does not help us get a handle on the illness and its effects on others in our life. In fact, it strikes me as downright irresponsible: you never have to make amends for anything you did.

Denial of the damage we cause is linked to this exculpation due to mania. Some say that making amends has nothing to do with apologizing. Warped logic causes it to mean nothing more than admitting to yourself what you did without making restitution or apology to those we harmed while addicted or in the throes of mental illness. I find this cheap recovery and I am suspicious of anyone who flaunts it.

Too often, I have seen people who insist that their sickness absolves them relapse repeatedly. Perhaps it is due to the fact that they do not understand the seriousness of their disorder. Or maybe they desire license to act on impulses that they would reject on moral grounds if they were in their better minds.

I take a different approach: I am responsible for my actions even when I do not remember them. Because of my denial of my illness, I harmed others. Therefore I either make peace with them or avoid them so they are not disturbed or shocked by my return to their lives.

(Families might find it better for their sanity to forgive things done in episode for the sake of their sanity while expecting the patient who now knows better to take proper steps to minimize further recurrences.)

But there is a bonus: because I am accountable, I get to own the good things I did with more resolve. I get to own the steps I have taken towards resilience.

Here is the grim truth: if I do not take ownership of the bad things I did while in episode, I cannot own the good things I accomplished. To claim otherwise invokes an irresponsibility that case workers and other mental health practitioners best not encourage.

My diagnosis is a blessing, yes I said it

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After living with a diagnosis of Bipolar I for 9 years, I can honestly say that it is a blessing. What?!?!?! You may be asking as you read this. Yes, it’s true, having Bipolar is a blessing. Why?!?!? I will explain.

First of all, who else can say they can vacillate between moods within minutes of each other and still manage to stay sane? Who can laugh, sing, dance, and cry all while making dinner and with her toddler dancing along with her? Who can listen to a Pitbull song, and feel so moved by the upbeat tempo and meaning that she cries as she is driving to a work meeting? Who?, you may ask. This writer is who. This woman who has been called everything from lunatic, crazed, insane, impulsive, to say the least. I don’t consider myself any of those adjectives, rather I think I am eccentric, sane, responsible, and spontaneous! Take that Webster’s Dictionary!

Yet, I cannot do this alone. I have the support of my family, my psychiatrist, my friends, and now, my social media community whom I consider colleagues.

If you are reading this and have been recently diagnosed, I feel your pain. After my initial diagnosis, I was so drugged up on 5 different medications round the clock that I was a walking zombie, without emotions whatsoever. But hang in there, I know it’s easier said than done, but it is do-able because I did it and I consider myself a #Bipolar Survivor.

Bipolar Steals Your Life

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Life begins at….?

They say life begins at 40, well for me it was two years earlier at 38. Two months ago, as I type this, I had my 40th birthday which was rather a dull affair – no party and just me, my fiancee, four cats and two dogs at home. This was my decision not to have a full on fortieth party like I have seen my school friends have via Facebook. I suppose I should explain why.

Bipolar diagnosis

At 38 years old I finally went to see my GP (General Practitioner) after constantly breaking down in tears one minute and then feeling on top of the world the next. The GP diagnosed me as textbook bipolar, especially as my mother has bipolar, and her mother was thought to have committed suicide due to manic depression (manic depression is now named bipolar affective disorder). Thus started the cocktail of meds I am now on. Although now I am said to have rapid cycling bipolar it is actually ultra rapid (according to my own research) but my doctor doesn’t like saying that for some reason. I can cycle between the two poles of mania and depression up to three times a day which is quite exhausting. The big problem in treating rapid or ultra rapid cycling is finding the right medication solution.

Bipolar medication

At the moment i’m taking an antidepressant, mood stabilizers and antipsychotic daily, with an occasional benzodiazepine when required. Now, this sounds like one helluva cocktail and you’re right, so how did I cope with an illness I most probably had since my early teenage years for 25 years?

Self medicating

The answer lies unfortunately with the same solution as many other victims of bipolar and other mood disorders turn to. Alcohol was my self medicating drug of choice. When I was depressed I would immediately turn to alcohol to lift my mood. When manic I would use alcohol to try and chill and even knock me out so I could sleep. So,you would think that in the stable times I wouldn’t drink wouldn’t you? Wrong! When I was stable or down I would miss the manic highs so would drink to try and find the euphoria I would feel at the top of my buzz. Although I did drink regularly, I abused alcohol rather than become addicted to it. I was however, drinking daily when I had my bipolar diagnosis.

Abstinence

Since my diagnosis I have had short periods of alcohol abstinence, and today I have had almost two months completely off alcohol even though my doctor did say I could have one or two beers a week if I fancied. Part of my abstinence is willpower of course, but its also the medication negating the need for alcohol, and also having the knowledge of why I was turning to alcohol in the first place.

Advocate and stigma fighter

I have now found my inner voice which enables to me speak openly about my mental illness, and I have even been on my local radio station a couple of times to encourage other people, especially men to seek help. A recording of one of my radio interviews can be found on my blog Latest Bipolar News, be sure to check it out.
Thanks for reading and be sure to look out for the next installment.