Category Archives: Mixed State

What I know and what I don’t

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I have never attempted suicide myself, but an uncle of mine did once, and well, paid the ultimate price, his life. He was unofficially diagnosed by my mother and her sisters as Bipolar, whether or not that was true, we will never know. What I do know for sure is that he was pushed to a point where he no longer found meaning in his life. I also know that I have felt such despair that I wish someone would take my babies and just let me sleep. I have felt so depressed and in the midst of nothingness that all I wanted to do was lay in my bed and do and be nothing. Just nothing. This would usually come after a late night, a restless, sleepless night. Or, when I “forgot” to take my medication because I know better than the psychiatrist. Wrong!! So wrong!!

I now know that I don’t know more than any psychiatrist no matter how flawed I may think they are or how much higher my IQ may be, I am at the mercy of their education and experience. I put it so dramatically because that is how I sometimes feel. I feel as though I am helpless sometimes and not only at the mercy of the psychiatrists, but at the mercy of my mind. Why? Because it leads me to think things, things I should not be thinking. Like, “don’t take your meds, you’re fine”, “your mood swings are totally typical”, and my favorite, “you are not Bipolar, everyone else is.”

I also know that everyone’s life has meaning, no matter what you or others may think. And sometimes it’s hard to see through all the mugginess and fog, but believe me, your life has meaning. Whatever it may be, make it your mission to find it. Make that your daily goal! I dare you.

 

Advice For Those Who Support Your Bipolar Disorder About Suicide

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Suicide attempts are a real concern for persons with bipolar disorder. It is estimated that of the suicide attempts in the United States by persons with mental illness, up to 70% suffer from major depression disorder and/or bipolar disorder. Not only is it important, therefore, for a person that supports an individual with bipolar disorder to understand the warning signs preceding a suicide attempt, it is also important to know exactly how to handle the situation should you believe they are serious or they tell you they are going to commit suicide. If you are a person that has bipolar, these tips can be invaluable to your support group in an instance where you are unable to reach out for support.

Why A Person May Want To Die
It is common opinion that committing suicide is a selfish act. Objectively, this is true. Friends and family are left with overwhelming guilt and anger, wondering what they could have done differently to stop their loved one from such an act. Children with a parent that attempts or succeeds in committing suicide are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide themselves than other children. Marriages where a child succeeds in committing suicide often end in divorce.

Unfortunately, a person that attempts suicide can no longer see the act as selfish. For them, suicide becomes a last resort to escape what has become unbearable. They see no other option. It is important to understand that it isn’t an issue of the person not wanting to see they have any other option. It is a matter that they can’t see any other option, at least not in that moment of decision. It is like asking a person to walk on air. It isn’t going to happen. Most suicides are an act of passion in the heat of the moment. Fewer are actually planned out, and usually by those that have attempted suicide before. However, the root cause is still one of two reasons.

  • A major traumatic event has occurred in a person’s life such as financial ruin, loss of a loved one due to break-up, divorce or death, etc.
  • constant struggle and pain of living with a difficult situation, such as bipolar disorder, has destroyed the mental capacity and reasoning of a person to a degree that they no longer want to live. They believe they are an unwelcome burden in other’s lives and feel friends and family are better off without them. They actually are past the point of pain. They are mentally exhausted and numb, incapable of rational feeling.

Warning Signs
A person considering suicide is not likely to openly admit that fact. However, there are signs that this is where their thought process is headed, sometimes before they themselves realize or admit suicide is an option. The more signs a person shows, the more likely it is that they are considering suicide.

  • They may make comments such as, “You would be better off without me”, “I just don’t think I can do this anymore”, “I am tired of living”, “I feel trapped”.
  • They may withdraw from you and/or activities they normally enjoy, isolating themselves. You may notice they begin to give vague answers when asked how they feel or suddenly stop talking or seeing you.
  • You may notice changes in their personal hygiene, no longer taking care of themselves as they become increasingly unconcerned with things around them.
  • They may attempt to give prized possessions away.
  • Their sleeping habits may change, either sleeping very little or too much.
  • They may begin to abuse alcohol or drugs.
  • They may express an interest in getting their affairs in order, or actually do it.
  • They may seem easily irritated or become more aggressive.
    They may suddenly become calm and happy.

    • What To Say To A Person That May Be Suicidal

  • Let them know you care and you want to be there for them if they can or want to talk.
  • Let them know you are willing to listen without judgement and won’t offer advice unless they ask.
  • Check up on them. More than once. A person considering suicide may not ask for help or call you as they get worse. They will take your silence as evidence that their reasons are valid.
  • Give them the National Suicide Hotline phone number – 800.273.8255 (800.799.4889 for deaf individuals). Encourage them to call so they can talk to someone else that is an objective, trained professional. Assure them they are still also welcome to talk to you.
  • Don’t be afraid to gently ask them if they are considering harming themselves. Assure them you are asking because you care.
  • Never accuse them of being dramatic or selfish. Don’t engage in confrontational conversation. Don’t ask them to promise they won’t and expect them to follow that promise.

    • What To Do When A Person Tells You They Are Going To Commit Suicide

  • Never ignore what they say. Don’t tell them they are being dramatic or selfish. Don’t engage in confrontational conversation. Do not ask them to promise you they won’t and expect them to follow that promise.
  • Do NOT try to handle the situation yourself. Call their local police department (call 911 and ask them for the person’s local police department so you can report a potential suicide attempt). When calling, tell the police you need to request a mental health check due to threat of suicide. Ask the police department if they have officers trained in handling mental illness crisis and request those officers are the ones dispatched.
  • If possible, remain in contact with the person until officers arrive. There is no need to tell the person you called police. The officers will handle everything according to protocol once they arrive.
  • Tell the person what they mean to you and how it would effect you to lose them. Encourage them to talk to you about how they feel. Name people that love them and would miss them. Talk about anything to try to take up time while officers are on their way.

    • Final Thoughts
    To a person that has never considered suicide, the thought of taking your own life will seem unfathomable. Try to understand that to the person who wants to end their life, continuing to live seems just as unfathomable. Following the advice above can save a life and help a person want to live.

    The Merry Month of Self-Murder

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    The sky was open to Space and the world was green. The sun shone on the grass as only it can in January. But despite the pleasant weather, my brain filled with pessimism. For many years, I had answered the question “Are you thinking of killing yourself” with “Not the fast way. The slow way.” What I meant was I propelled myself towards death by eating badly and refusing to exercise. Eventually I would suffer a major heart attack and that would be the end of it. But on that January day I texted my last will and testament to my wife, sat down on a log, and began to study the veins in my wrist.

    I bucked the statistics by my choice of time. The media gets it wrong; the holidays and the winters that follow are not the time when hospitals see an increase in the number of suicides: it is May. Scientists have not hit upon why self-murder spikes at this time of year, but they have made some observations:

    Doctors first observed in the 1820s that suicide rates spike during late spring. Researchers have since postulated and tested all sorts of explanations for the global phenomenon, making this one of the most studied questions in psychiatry. There’s still no consensus, but evidence suggests it has to do with so-called sociodemographic factors. During the winter, many people go into semihibernation: They work less, see fewer people, and are exposed to less frustration and conflict. That all changes in the spring, when increased interaction with others and the stress of work may trigger suicidal thoughts. The theory is based on a couple of observations. First, the spring suicide peak is more pronounced among people employed on farms or in factories who experience greater seasonal variation in the intensity of work and social interactions. In addition, developing countries with a higher proportion of agricultural workers see more seasonal change in the suicide rate than do developed countries. The magnitude of seasonal changes in the suicide rate is more than 10 times higher in Uruguay, for example, than in Belgium. Researchers have also detected a smoothing out of the seasonal variation in suicides in recent decades as more people move from farm to office. (There are smaller peaks in other parts of the year. Cubicle workers are more likely to commit suicide in the fall than in the spring, as are mothers who send their children off to school in September.)

    I am not so sure of this theory or of some of the others. Some link the suicide rate to the weather. The amount of sunshine in the day, pollen counts, and air pollution have all been indicted. But one thing that I think affects me heavily by the time May rolls around hasn’t been investigated: Daylight Savings Time.

    Why? Because Daylight Savings Time interferes with our inner clock. It makes us wake up an hour earlier than we are used to waking up. It hits us like a hammer in March and continues its drumming through the Spring. The ones who are worst affected are those who are most susceptible to bipolar disorder: night owls.

    Owls aren’t early risers like larks. A Lark doesn’t feel the shift much if he has to wake up an hour earlier, but for an owl — who already has a hard time getting up early in the morning — the moving forward of the clock is catastrophic. Six o’clock is taken over by five a.m. A whole hour is stolen and it is not given back until the fall. I have met few people with bipolar disorder who like Daylight Savings Time. It’s proponents, in fact, are few. But big industry — especially retail — like it because people are more likely to leave the house to buy during daylight hours than during darkness. Oil companies like it because people do more driving and more driving requires more gasoline. Despite the health risks, we keep this destructive institution for the profit of a few.

    I know that my sleep is sucky at this time of year. When my alarm goes off, it wakes me out of a deep sleep that my body has made no plans to end for another hour. I am dizzy and depressed on many mornings. A gray malaise overcomes me. This darkening of the mood affects my thoughts and those thoughts turn increasingly to negativity and the belief that I am a burden to others. Wouldn’t the world be better off without me?

    The cheap fixes I employ are to adjust my medications if the depression gets too deep and to seek out the help of my therapist more often. I stick to my clock, however. Millions of others are in the same boat. So why do we persist in this? Well, our country puts corporate interest over people. What is my life to them? I am collateral damage.

    For Further Reading:

  • The Suicide Rate Doesn’t Peak During the Holidays. Why Does It Peak in Spring?

    • Did the Meds “Erase” My Personality?

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    The thing I don’t like about being angry is that it isn’t the me that I want to be. It’s a nuclear fireball, a complete eradication of the rest of my personality. For a few seconds, everything that I love becomes less than a memory. The witnesses to my explosion see a six foot six inch tall brute with a beard screaming at the top of his lungs and waving his arms about. Wouldn’t you be scared? Wouldn’t you keep that memory in your head purely for reasons of defense?

    These scenes came more frequently when I was soaring in and out of manias and mixed states. It isn’t hard to see that my anger could be tied to my suicidal inclinations. Because I could not and would not destroy the objects of my ire, I turned that impulse towards myself. One time too many it brought me to a place where I was studying the veins on my wrist. Beyond the eradication of myself that was caused by my disease, lay the prospect of self-annihilation as punishment or revenge.

    Maybe now you can understand my reaction that came while I was planting vinegar weed at the Native Seed Farm. I had done something stupid — I had mentioned my involvement in the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance in a passing comment. Most people let it drop, but this one woman wanted to know more. What were the people like? Was I ever scared? And then the most stigmatizing thing someone can say about someone who takes his meds faithfully: don’t the meds erase your personality?

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    Another Hockey Mask: Andreas Lubitz

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    *TRIGGER WARNING*

    I must tell the truth here: I do not understand what Andreas Lubitz did. In my suicidal fugues, I thought of many ways that I might kill myself that involved others such as throwing myself in front of a truck or crashing my car into a tree or driving it off a cliff, but the idea of taking others with me — that wasn’t the self-annihilation that I planned. When I came close,I found a secluded place where someone would eventually find me. That was the maximum involvement of another that I planned. Though I thought capital punishment might work for me — and send a message to those who loved me — I did not want to assassinate others.

    >Rumor has it that Lubitz was going through some catastrophic issues with his girlfriend. He knew that he was ill and he was seeking treatment for it. The day of the crash, his psychiatrist issued a sick leave note. Andreas did not use it, however, and his doctor could not call the airline to tell them that he was at risk. But Lubitz did not stop at ending his own life:

    Continue reading →

    How This All Started — JoelS & Bipolar_Blogs

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    Weekend time on the ward was spent waiting for someone to talk to you. I was standing in front of the nurses’ station, having completed the obligatory morning group therapy, when I was guided to a small room and told to have a seat. Then a large bearded man with a file came into the room and read over the notes that had been collected since my arrival the night before. I had arrived late the previous afternoon after I had texted my last will and testament to my wife and sat on a log studying which vein to cut. A phone call from my psychiatrist interrupted my concentration. We talked for a few minutes and I agreed to go to the hospital. Once I got there, I — the fellow who had been thinking of ending it all — walked up to the nurses’ station and told them that I was diabetic and needed my night meds delivered on schedule if I was going to maintain my blood sugar levels. They nodded dutifully and wrote notes in my chart.

    This information was in the manila folder that Dr. Spears brought into the room. After reviewing the annotations, he looked up at me, leaned forward, and asked in a gentle voice “Has anyone ever told you that you were bipolar?”

    Many people have told me that they were devastated when they heard the news. Others refused to believe it. I was of that class of people who felt a moment’s pause and then felt relief. At last I had a workable explanation of the torrential moods that afflicted me over the years. I had tried the boot-strap method of getting through my despairs. People had sometimes asked me if I was taking drugs — a question that surprised me because I was the opposite of an addict and a self-medicator — I didn’t touch drugs or alcohol. For 11 years, I had relied on Prozac because it had worked almost instantly to curb my depression. The dark nights of the soul I experienced during that time I wrote off to normal ups and downs. I spent up our credit cards to $40,000, messed up my already fragile teeth by grinding on them, and fought frequently with people on the Net. Was this bipolar disorder? Then, I felt, there was a treatment and I threw myself into recovery.

    Bipolar_Blogs arose when I learned that it was possible to set up a special account for retweeting news. I knew that there were many people out there in the world who wrote good blogs about their struggle with bipolar disorder (including me) whose work just wasn’t making it out to the rest of the world. The blogs I knew from my own explorations told many stories about bipolar disorder. I collected a list, set them up at a feed retweeter, and released it into the Twitterverse. What people also missed was recent and reliable information about their disorder. So I added feeds from the various government agencies that provided abstracts on the latest developments in understanding organic brain dysfunctions. When my ADD allowed it, I sought out more blogs, found new news sources, and hand-posted numerous articles that I had found which talked about bipolar disorder and other matters concerning the brain.

    But not every voice could be heard via the feeds. Some of them tweeted their concerns directly to Bipolar_Blogs and I made it the policy to retweet them as long as they weren’t hateful, promoting pseudo-science, or simply advertising. When I had the energy, I checked my ever-expanding feed to glean what I could from others. There is only so much one can say in 140 characters even if you are a Twitter master. I kept running into people who wanted their own blogs and didn’t know how to start. The day came when I put out feelers, asking who would like to take part in a group blog. I also asked in some chatrooms and on Facebook. A few people indicated their interest, so I wrote out some rules for the blog and invited those who felt silenced by the circumstances of their illness to take part.

    We’ll see how that goes.