Author Archives: WilliamG

It gets worse before it gets better?

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I envy those who have options.  I’m of course talking about anti depressants, SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), TCAs (tri-cyclic antidepressants), the works.  There’s a small group of those with bipolar disorder who have an adverse reaction to antidepressants, in my case suicidal thoughts.  I went through prozac, celexa, lexapro, anafranil, (partly also to try and treat my OCD), and every single one of them resulted in me pacing in bizarre places outside in the middle of the night (and I’m talking 4-5am) with racing thoughts about how no one in my life loved me, or ever really did love me, amongst other thoughts.  This of course led to suicidal thoughts, but thankfully I never acted on those thoughts.  This was a large part of my diagnosis with bipolar, amongst my actions mentioned in my previous post.

I found myself in this unique situation for me.  Everything I had read or heard said, “Give it time, it will get worse before it gets better.”  And I believed it, to an extreme point, until finally taking the initiative to call my doctor about it.  That being said, I believe the statement to be true.  Starting a new medication, we experience side effects, it’s unavoidable.  Most side effects take place immediately, whereas the beneficial side to many medications can take upwards to a month to take effect.

But what frame of reference do you have, when you’re already struggling with mood swings, that a medication isn’t making you just slightly worse off than you were.  All you really have is blind faith.

Now, I 100% avoid any and all antidepressants.  I’ve tried those within their own class such as wellbutrin and had little success, so I simply explain to my doctor that it simply isn’t an option.  I’m lucky to have found a cocktail that works for me so far, but it would be nice to have that extra ingredient to add to the mix.

For those reading who are living with bipolar, how about yourselves?  Have you had any similar experiences?  I’d love to hear your input in the comments.

Stigma

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Happy World Bipolar Day!

If someone asked me one word that pops into my head when asked the question “What does bipolar mean in your life?”, stigma would be the first thing that pops into my head.  “An association of disgrace or public disapproval with something, such as an action or condition”, according to Google.  It’s stigma that keeps me secretive.  Stigma that requires me to keep what I consider to be such a large part of my life a secret to all except those really close to me I know I can trust to keep it to themselves, and to not judge me for it, to see me in a different fashion.

Even to those I do tell, the response seems to be the same, “Wow, I never wouldn’t guessed that about you.”  Partly because I’m medicated to function.  Partly because I’m required to act as if it doesn’t exist, even on days when I’m all over the map (I’ve grown increasingly more skilled at masking it).  But I think largely more than anything else, they just don’t know what it MEANS to be bipolar.  They know the stigma, they know that bipolar people are crazy, that they’re moody.  They don’t truly know what that entails in detail, how it effects your life, etc.

I will openly admit that I suffer from GAD, OCD, because those are “socially accepted” mental illnesses.  I can even joke about them.  There are some I know who suffer from anxiety and can relate, but none with bipolar, aside from my support group.  I wish for a day to come where the stigma could be lifted, that people would understand that with the proper treatment, someone with bipolar is no different than anyone else (for the most part, we all have our challenges), just like someone with OCD untreated can go completely off the reservoir.

Bipolar in my life means medication.  It means secrecy.  It means never truly being able to be myself, to not fully fit in with my colleges, with my friends.  I wish a day would come where stigma was not an issue, and people would become more educated, that the illness would gain more limelight.  Perhaps it will happen in my generation, but I don’t see it happening any time soon.

From “normal” to Bipolar

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Before the diagnosis of my illness, it was already apparent to those around me, in my later years, that I may suffer from manic depressive, or bipolar disorder.  I’ve always been a more emotional person, and was seen as just that.  Angry one moment, seething with rage, and the next extremely apologetic.  Labeled as nothing more than a highly emotional teenager, I like to feel that my illness was untreated for years.  It wasn’t until a triggering event that the true, more severe symptoms of my illness became colorfully apparent, which leads me to the belief that triggers cause the illness to escalate.

My wife had an extremely debilitating pregnancy, to make a long story short, and we became more distant with one another, but I still cared deeply for her.  I had a feeling in the back of my head that something was off with her though, even though she acted like her normal self would.  Doing what I still regret, I violated her privacy and snooped through her email, to find interchanges of an adult nature between her and an old time friend.  Overcome with emotions I had never felt before, I immediately confronted her.  She was stoic in her response, which made my emotions that much more volatile.

She left the room, I asked her politely to stop, she didn’t listen. I grabbed her shoulder, she shrugged it off.  I “lunged” at her, using her words.  In that moment, emotions shifted, I collapsed down a set of maybe 6 stairs, completely bawling my eyes out at what I’d done.  This was the moment I think I truly realized that there was something truly wrong with me.  Wrong may not be the right term, but at the time that was what I felt.

I suffer from rapid cycling in my bipolar disorder, my moods can go from manic one moment, in this occurance also referred to by some as black rage, to extreme emotions on a completely different spectrum. It has lead to mixed episodes (a mix of both mania and depression simultaneous), to hypomania, to severe depression, all throughout the period of a day.

I immediately sought out help for my condition.  I tried a plethora of anti depressants, but they all had an adverse affect on me.  When my psychiatrist finally put me on a mood stabilizer called Lamictal, that’s when I started on the path to treatment for my disease. After it started to take effect, I noticed more control over my moods.  I still cycled through various moods, but I could recognize that my moods were off from my baseline.

Now, I’m currently on a combination of Klonopin for my anxiety, and Lamictal and Abilify for my Bipolar Disorder.  It’s an ongoing battle to make sure that my medication properly treats my disorder, and I have to keep track of my moods and communicate with my doctor, to make sure we appropriately adjust my medication as it becomes less effective.

But as time goes on, I feel like I’ve come to understand my illness better, and that makes it more manageable.  However, the illness never goes away.  I still experience shifts in my mood, however light.  Some days are more severe than others, but I’ve learned to cope with a combination of my medication and the help of my peer support group.  It’s a hidden struggle that everyone with Bipolar Disorder battles in their own way.  As for myself, I’m still carving out my own path.